I'm Thankful for the Scars

PSALM 119:71 (NIV) "It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees"

Tag: addiction (Page 1 of 2)

Where is Light in a dark world?

August 17, 2024 /

In this dark world of pain and suffering I sometimes struggle to see any good, to see any light.  It’s so easy for me to get caught up in myself, what I perceive to be my greatest needs. That in turn causes me to live with doubt, live in fear, live without the hope that Jesus gives us. 

I recently heard Shane and Shane on XM radio sing “In the Light” https://youtu.be/Xbn-VlmArbU?si=QwHBEjsOUhnzz_ok, a song I believe was originally done by DC Talk  https://youtu.be/0JxEwfbidFk?si=zfCJBc5-wBr0qf2B in the 90’s.  It speaks to me, it helps me to see my struggle more clearly and helps me regain the focus on Jesus that is needed to find peace and joy in the light.

Lyrics below with my comments in italics:

In the Light

I keep trying to find a life
On my own apart from You

Why do I do this? Why can’t I give everything to the Lord?

I am the king of excuses
I’ve got one for every selfish thing I do

The selfishness of pride still rages inside of me.  I’m needy and I do make excuses for myself.           

What’s going on inside of me
I despise my own behavior

Why?  Why?  Why?  I often have such sinful thoughts and desires and I can’t explain them.  I can’t rid myself of them.

This only serves to confirm my suspicion
That I’m still a man in need of a savior

I see my need for Jesus, I see my need for a Savior.  I don’t know where I’d be or where I’d go without Him

I wanna be in the light as You are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens

There is peace in the light, when I’m with Jesus there is such great peace, hope and joy.  Why would I want to be anywhere else?  I want to shine and show the love of Jesus to everyone.

Oh Lord be my Light and be my salvation
All I want is to be in the light
Oh all I want is to be in the light

Remind me Jesus, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute who my salvation is.  Help me to stay in You and in the Light

The disease of self runs through my blood
It’s a cancer fatal to my soul

I know the answer but yet I still am selfish, I still am prideful, I still hurt those I love.  The sin inside me is lethal and I am helpless against it in my own strength.

Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring this sickness under control

I fail time and time again to stop this behavior, to stop sinful thoughts.  In my own strength I continue to fail.

What’s going on inside of me
I despise my own behavior

How did I get here again?  Why do I hurt those I love?  Why do I make it all about me?


This only serves to confirm my suspicion
That I’m still a man in need of a savior

I need Jesus more than ever, He is the answer.  He is the only answer and the answer to everything.  Without Jesus I’m lost, I’m addicted, I’m hopeless.

I wanna be in the light as You are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens

Jesus protects me, Jesus calls me to walk with him in the light.

Oh Lord be my Light and be my salvation
All I want is to be in the light
Oh all I want is to be in the light

I call on Jesus and he is always near and quick to answer.  He pulls me back into the light when I seek Him.  I want to be in the light!

Honesty becomes me
There’s nothing left to lose
The secrets that did run me
In Your presence are defused
Pride has no position
And riches have no worth
The fame that once did cover me
Has been sentenced to Earth
Has been sentenced to Earth

I’m a stranger in this world, my home is in heaven.  I need Jesus, I need the truth of the gospel.  Nothing, nothing in the world satisfies me like Jesus and I long to be with Him in eternity.

What’s going on inside of me
I despise my own behavior

Each day I have a choice to make. Do I listen to the lies I hear from the enemy?  Do I focus on the darkness in the world? Why does this choice have to be made?  Why does the struggle continue?

This only serves to confirm my suspicion
That I’m still a man in need of a savior

I can’t do it alone, I need a Savior – I need Jesus!

I wanna be in the light as You are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh Lord be my Light and be my salvation
All I want is to be in the light
Oh all I want is to be in the light
All I want is to be in the light

Jesus is the light of the world!

Again Jesus spoke to them, saying “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

John 8:12 (ESV)

May we all walk in the light of Jesus. God bless You!

HOPE, Suffering, Perseverance, Character and back to HOPE

July 27, 2023 /

Circle of HOPE

I recently accompanied the youth group that I’m involved in on their mission trip to a group work camp.  The theme of the week was FORGED.  Like the metalworking process, God forges us, shapes us, and transforms us through life’s journey.  Most of us spend the majority of our lives in comfortable seasons of hope.  But we all go through suffering.  All of us.  We aren’t expecting it when it happens, but it is guaranteed to be a part of life.  We learned that suffering is part of the Circle of Hope.  God gives us the gift of hope.  Whenever we face difficult times yet persevere, we will learn & grow stronger.  God promises that.

My Grandfather passed away early the day after we returned from the Mission Trip.  I’m reminded of the impact my grandparents have had on my life.  When I was a young boy, around 11 or 12 my grandparents asked me if I wanted to be saved.  I said that I did and we went into their bedroom to read scripture and they helped me pray and invite Jesus into my heart. 

The day Jesus saved me was one of the most hopeful times of my life.  I felt prepared to do or face anything.  What I didn’t realize at the time was that this circle that we learned about is real and I was not prepared for it. 

The way the week’s programs and devotions were written forced us to reflect on our journeys. 

  • Sunday – HOPE
  • Monday – Suffering, it’s a part of the journey
  • Tuesday – Suffering produces perseverance
  • Wednesday – Perseverance produces character
  • Thursday – Character produces HOPE
  • Friday – Forge ahead

As I thought about my time between being saved as a young boy up until 5 or 6 years ago I saw how much of my journey was spent wandering, attempting to find my way, making a lot of bad decisions, heading down the wrong path.

It seems there are different types of suffering, the kind that happens to us (losing a loved one, getting sick, etc.) and the kind that is the result of our sin and decisions we have made.

The circle I was reflecting on included much suffering as a result of my sin of addiction.  As I’ve written previously, this has been very painful.  My sin resulted in suffering for not only myself but caused suffering for my family and for my children.  It caused suffering that we all feel today and suffering that I’m sure to feel for the rest of my life.  Unfortunately, I can’t change that.

Here’s what Tish Harrison writes about suffering in her book Prayer in the Night: For those Who Work or Watch or Weep:

Suffering strips away the self.  This sounds terribly painful, and it is.  But the meaning and object of suffering isn’t pain; it is to learn to give and receive love.  God isn’t a sadist who delights in using agony to teach us a lesson.  But in the alchemy of redemption, God can take what is only sorrow and transform it into the very path by which we learn to love God and let ourselves be loved.  This is the strange (and usually unwanted) way of abundant life – the dying necessary to bring resurrection.  Scott Cairns writes, “The hard way is pretty much the only way that most of us manage to learn anything.  Affliction, suffering, and pain are – even if they are nothing else – remarkably effective.”

If I’m being completely honest, as Cairns wrote, the only way I was going to learn was the hard way.  The reality that I was possibly going to lose everything I loved is what it took to get my attention.  That’s embarrassing to admit, shameful – but it’s true.

But the beauty of the gospel and God’s love for us is that God uses all suffering to produce something in us if we let him.  Jesus is Hope and that is something I’ve been extremely blessed to have experienced. 

On the way home from the Mission Trip I heard Austin French’s song Jesus Can.  Wow!  What a great description of what I’ve experienced in recovery:        

Everybody’s got that hurt they wished that never happened.  Everybody’s got that pain they wish they could undo.  But wounds become scars & scars become stories – and when it comes to the story of you – who turns a broken dream into a life redeemed?  Who can turn your worst defeat into your victory?  Who saw me where was and led me where I stand?  My life is living proof that only Jesus can.

Jesus took my worst defeat, redeemed me and now I have victory and hope in Jesus.  He can do the same for you!  My Hope on the Mission Trip and anytime I’m given the opportunity to share my story is that it will help others to see the Hope we always have in Jesus.

Crew 17 and 18

To the crews I spent the week with on this Mission Trip.  As this was my first mission trip I wasn’t sure what to expect.  I am so thankful for each and every one of you, it was truly a blessing to spend the week with each of you.  The love you showed to me as I shared was amazing.  I miss working with you and especially miss our devotional and prayer time together.  May we always remember what we learned about Hope during our time together and I pray for God’s blessings over you and your families.

OTHER BLOG STUFF – Songs and Quotes…

HOLD ON

Song by Katy Nichole

Smoke clouds
All around
Couldn’t see Your face
Darkness consumed me
Stuck in the bitterness

But I know there’s a light
That’s waiting up ahead
So I’ll stay in the fight
And look to the One who said

Hold on just a little bit longer
I know it’s gonna be okay
These days are gonna make you stronger
You’ll find purpose in the pain
Hold on just a little bit longer
Deep down there’s a well of faith
Let hope arise as you’re lifting up My name
And just hold on
Just hold on, hold on

Your promise
It still stands
It’s chasing after me
The rainbow
Through storm clouds
Is how I’m gonna see

That there is a light
That’s waiting up ahead
So I’ll stay in the fight
And look to the One who said

Hold on just a little bit longer
I know it’s gonna be okay
These days are gonna make you stronger
You’ll find purpose in the pain
Hold on just a little bit longer
Deep down there’s a well of faith
Let hope arise as you’re lifting up My name
And just hold on
Hold on, hold on

Just wait ’til you see what’s at the end of the road
A new life is ready to unfold

Hold on just a little bit longer
I know it’s gonna be okay
These days are gonna make you stronger
You’ll find purpose in the pain
Hold on just a little bit longer
Deep down there’s a well of faith
Let hope arise as you’re lifting up My name
And just hold on
Hold on, hold on
Just hold on
Just hold on

We ought to give thanks for all fortune; if it is good, because it is good, if bad, because it works in us patience, humility and the contempt of this world and the hope of our eternal country.

C.S. LEWIS

darkness / LIGHT

March 11, 2023 /

We’ve been studying the book of Peter in our weekly Bible study at Church.  1 Peter 2:9 is a verse that speaks to me having spent much of my life living in the darkness. Living in the darkness of addiction meant lying to myself, lying to others and keeping secrets from most everyone.  Secrets are kept in the darkness, so that’s where I stayed. As I’ve written before I had a good job, coached baseball, basketball and softball.  I attended church regularly and at times was actively involved in the Church.  I was “functional” in the world and in front of others but I was living a lie in darkness for the most part.

During bedtime devotionals with my wife and 3 step-sons we’ve been working our way through Genesis.  Genesis 19 tells the story of God saving Lot from the destruction of Sodom.  Angels warned Lot the city of Sodom where Lot was living was about to be destroyed and to get his family and leave immediately.  It’s not clear why but it says Lot hesitated, some translations say he hesitated and lingered.  Why did Lot want to stay in the darkness?  Was there something holding him back?  Because of this hesitation the angels took hold of him and his family and took them out of the city (out of the darkness) to save them.  

As I’ve been considering this story I’ve seen a parallel to my life.  Sin, in my case addiction to alcohol was so powerful in my life that I couldn’t see life beyond alcohol.  I didn’t see a need to quit and didn’t want to or believe I could quit.  I felt trapped in the darkness and couldn’t see a way out to the light. I wonder how many times God started to pull me out and I fought Him to stay/linger in the darkness over the years of my addiction.  It’s painful to think about, it’s maddening to think how long I chose to ignore the light and stay in the darkness.

Marvelous Light

A couple in our Church recently performed an Ellie Holcomb song – Marvelous Light (lyrics below).  I fell in love with the song and discovered on Ellie’s’ blog that it was inspired by a character in an Andrew Peterson book (The Wingfeather Saga).  The character Podo Helmer had spent most of his life hiding his past.  One day his secrets are exposed in front of the very people he was trying to hide them from.  Ellie says that after this intense seen Andrew writes the following about Podo:

“He moved through the days in peace and wonder, for his whole story had been told for the first time, and he found that he was still loved.”  (North or Be Eaten!, p.321)

When we follow God out of the darkness and into the light He is always with us, He is always faithful. 

 If I say, “Surely the darkness will cover me, And the night will be the only light around me,” Even the darkness is not dark to You and conceals nothing from You, But the night shines as bright as the day; Darkness and light are alike to You. 

Psalm 139:11-12

I recently participated in leadership training at work.  One of our assignments was to share in 2 minutes or less something we had achieved and what the lesson was in that achievement.  I was struggling to decide what to speak about and at the last minute settled on overcoming my addiction.  I started by saying I would share one of my greatest failures (addiction) and greatest accomplishments (overcoming addiction) which I shared the best I could in 2 minutes.  Some of the participants in the training knew of my past and some did not.  Each time I have shared how the Lord saved me from myself I feel His love.  I also have received and this time was no different love and support from those I share with. 

Sometimes we need God to pull us out of the darkness.  Thankfully I eventually saw enough light to allow God to pull me out of my darkness.  He is faithful and continues to draw me to Him, to His light and His love.

May we all live in His peace and see how much we are loved by the One who is Light!

OTHER BLOG STUFF – Songs and Quotes…

 Marvelous Light

Song by Ellie Holcomb

I am not who I once was
Defined by all the things I’ve done
Afraid my shame would be exposed
Afraid of really being known
But then you gave my heart a home

So I walked out of the darkness and into the light
From fear of shame into the hope of life
Mercy called my name and made a way to fly
Out of the darkness and into the light

With years of keeping secrets safe
Wondering if I could change
‘Cause when you’re hiding all alone
Your heart can turn into a stone
And that’s not the way I want to go

So I walk out of the darkness and into the light
From fear of shame into the hope of life
Mercy called my name and made a way to fly
Out of the darkness and into the light

There’s no place I would rather be
Your light is Marvelous
Your light is Marvelous

You have come to set us free
You are Marvelous
Your light is Marvelous

So I walked out of the darkness and into the light
From fear of shame into the hope of life
Mercy called my name and made a way to fly
Out of the darkness and into the light

The purpose of the darkness is not to punish or to afflict us.  It is to set us free.  It is a divine appointment, a privileged opportunity to draw close to the divine center.

Richard foster

Depression, Spiritual Warfare and Getting out of the Boat

July 1, 2022 /

DEPRESSION?

We recently returned from a family vacation to Florida.  My parents took all of our family – there were 11 of us total.  In addition to my wife and I, my son and daughter (with boyfriend), sister, brother-in-law and 2 nephews were all able to make it.  We were blessed to be able to stay in a beautiful area at a beautiful condo and the Lord blessed us with beautiful weather, as well.  All the makings for a joyful, wonderful trip.  Instead I found myself down (depression?), again struggling with regrets about my past.  

SPIRITUAL WARFARE

One morning on vacation as I was working out and listening to music I noticed that nearly every song seemed to speak to me.  They were all about finding peace in Jesus.  As I was listening, I sensed the Holy Spirit telling me that I was depressed and urging me to battle, to fight.  I immediately became aware that when these feelings come on I tend to shut down and wallow in self-pity.  Opposite of what we are told to do:

Being told to battle awakened me and I’m so thankful for the message I received.  Despite knowing that I will continue to have temptations to shut down and feel sorry for myself I am reminded that I need to put on “God’s armor” and battle.  Ephesians 6:13 tells us to “use every piece of God’s armor to resist the enemy.”  I will remember the Lord’s truths and the Good News that gives us peace.  I will exercise my faith, use the sword of the Spirit (Word of God) and I will pray.  Pray without ceasing until I win the battle.

GET OUT OF THE BOAT

Before I can start these battles I need to “get out of the boat”.  Let me explain….

During vacation the college softball world series was often on in our cabana by the pool or while we were gathered in our condos.  The Oklahoma Sooners wound up winning it all, so we had the opportunity to watch them a few times.  I noticed their players making a rowing motion and screaming something into the dugout each time they got on base.  I had no idea what that was all about but when I returned home I saw video on Facebook where Jordy Bahl (freshman pitcher) explained it:

What a great message and visual for me!  I can attempt to battle in my own strength, that might work for the short term but it won’t win the battle.  To win the battle I need to get out of the boat (WHAT IS THE BOAT FOR YOU? SELF-PITTY? DEPRESSION??), put on the armor of God and fix my eyes on Jesus.  That’s the formula to win the battle.

OTHER BLOG STUFF – Songs and Quotes…

I Believe It Now

Sidewalk Prophets

I couldn’t see it then, but I believe it now
Just a searching soul tired of reaching out
Stuck on the tracks, train bearing down
Screaming from my lungs, ” Who will save me now?”

As the reruns of the regrets, they replay inside my head
Got the devil on my shoulder, and he’s leaving me for dead
Whispers and lies have brought me here
Flooding my veins with doubt and fear

Oh, I
I could not see it then
Oh, I
I could not see

Oh, my God
I remember when I cried
Shook my fists up at the sky
I wondered why
You felt so far from me

Oh, God
It was in my deepest pain
That I heard You call my name
I heard You say
That You were right there with me

I couldn’t see it then, but I believe it now
Trying to hold my head up when the ground fell out
I felt all alone even in a crowd
Like a sinking stone dragging my heart down

And the weight of the sorrows I carried on my chest
It kept pulling me under, and I couldn’t catch my breath
Not how I thought my life would go
Didn’t know my heart could sink this low

No, I
I could not see it then
No, I
I could not see it

Oh, my God
I remember when I cried
Shook my fists up at the sky
I wondered why
You felt so far from me

Oh, God
It was in my deepest pain
That I heard You call my name
I heard You say
That You were right there with me

Love was standing there
Holding me
But I couldn’t see
That love was always there
He carried me
And now, I believe

Oh, my God
I know You heard me when I cried
‘Cause You were right there by my side
I realized
That You have never left me

Oh, God
It was in my deepest pain
That I heard You call my name
I heard You say
That You were right there with me

I couldn’t see it then (I could not see it)
But now I believe (now I believe)
I couldn’t see it then (I could not see it)
But now I believe (now I believe)
(I could not see, now I believe)
But now I believe

Now I believe
(I could not see, now I believe)
(I could not see, now I believe)

QUOTE

When we depend upon organizations, we get what organizations can do; when we depend upon man, we get what man can do; but when we depend upon prayer, we get what God can do.

A.C. Dixon

Until next time I’m thankful for the Scars, may God Bless You!

KB

Addiction and Time

October 9, 2021 /

The Value of our Time

As I celebrate 4 years of sobriety on September 27th, my 51st birthday, I find myself facing the lingering consequences of my addiction to alcohol.

I want to forget my addiction and its problems, want to completely move on from it. I wish I could act like it never happened. But as life moves on, I am faced with the bitter reality of lost time. I can’t help but compare how I spend my time today with how it was spent when I was controlled by my addiction. 

With my marriage in June of 2020, came three wonderful little boys. Being able to play a part in their lives is a blessing which I am truly thankful for. But as I spend time with them, I’m constantly reminded of what I was (or wasn’t) doing with my own precious kids (son 21 years old and daughter 18 years old) at various times in their childhood. The difference between sober, present parenting and my former parenting is obvious to me and it fills me with regret. 

This August both of my kids moved away to college. The physical move had been delayed for my oldest because of COVID, causing this transition to coincide with my second’s freshman year 9 hours from home. I know this can be a difficult time for any parent but it’s proven to be extra trying for me.  I value time with my children so much differently now than I did during my addicted years.  Spending a couple of hours eating wings with my son and watching football on a Sunday afternoon when he’s home from college is a great blessing.  My 6:00 pm weekly Sunday evening calls with my daughter is time I cherish. While missing my kids and wanting to spend time with them, I’m haunted by thoughts of times when addiction dominated my decisions and robbed me of invaluable moments with my kids.  We had many great times during their childhood but it is undeniable that many were lost. For those moments I’ve been beating myself up, unable to completely forgive myself. But I know that there is a place and a person in whom I can find freedom from my regret. 

Early on in my recovery, my addiction counselor sent me the following devotional: 

When you sin, God’s Spirit will convict you of your need to repent and change your ways. But until you get your glorified body in heaven, you’re always going to deal with sin. The apostle James wrote, “We all stumble in many ways.” But falling down isn’t what makes you a failure—it’s staying down! Get back up, dust yourself off, receive God’s grace, learn from the experience, and move on. The Bible says, “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Ro 8:1 NIV). God is not condemning you, so stop condemning yourself. A few decades ago, people used to wear a little badge with the letters GNFWMY. It meant, “God’s not finished with me yet.” And He’s not finished with you either…Solomon wrote, “There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins” (Ecc 7:20 NIV). And Paul added, “I am not perfect. But Christ has taken hold of me. So I keep on running and struggling to take hold of the prize” (Php 3:12 CEV). So stop beating yourself up.

If God is not condemning me then what right do I have to continue to beat myself up over past sins?  God wasn’t finished with me when I was addicted, and he’s not finished with me (or you) yet.

I share this very personal struggle in the hope that it might help someone else.  Please know that addiction + parenting doesn’t work, addiction + anything doesn’t work. Addiction simply takes too much time.  Addiction blurs everything, especially selfishness.  Addiction causes us to care more about what we think we need than the needs of those closest to us.  Our children need and deserve our time.  If you are a parent struggling with addiction, my prayer is that the time you and your children are losing together will be revealed to you– you can’t get it back!  It’s possible today to make the decision to break free, everything is possible with the Lord. I praise him for making these 4+ years without alcohol possible and He is able to do that for you, too!

OTHER BLOG STUFF – Songs and Quotes…

You Love Me Anyway

Song by Sidewalk Prophets

The question was raised
As my conscience fell
A silly little lie

It didn’t mean much
But it lingers still
In the corners of my mind

Still you call me to walk
On the edge of this world
To spread my dreams and fly

But the future’s so far
My heart is so frail
I think I’d rather stay inside

But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life
That I’ve ever known
Yes You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
How you love me

It took more than my strength
To simply be still
To seek but never find

The reasons we change
The reasons I doubt
And Why do loved ones have to die?

But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life
That I’ve ever known
Yes You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me

I am the thorn in your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway
See now I am the man who yelled out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then I turned away with a smile on my face
With this sin in my heart, tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night I still call out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life

But You love me anyway
Oh God, how You love me
Yes You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life
That I’ve ever known
Yes You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me

You love me
You love me
You love me
You love me

How You love me
How You love me
How You love me

QUOTE

“The purpose of the darkness is not to punish or to afflict us.  It is to set us free.  It is a divine appointment, a privileged opportunity to draw close to the divine center.”

Richard foster

Until next time I’m thankful for the Scars, may God Bless You!

KB

Under the Influence of the Holy Spirit

April 4, 2021 /

The following are excerpts from an article entitled “The Alternative to Alcohol” written by David Feddes.

You need to be under the influence of something outside yourself… The best and happiest life is when your thoughts and emotions and actions are affected by some other power that makes you someone you wouldn’t otherwise be.  You shouldn’t be under the influence of alcohol, but you should be under the influence of the alternative to alcohol.

In Ephesians 5:18 the Bible says, “Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery.  Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit.”  In other words, be divinely drunk, spiritually soused.  God puts getting drunk side by side with being filled by his Spirit, and the Lord hints that there’s at least something in common.  That’s a shocking comparison!

On the day of Pentecost, shortly after Jesus rose from the dead, God poured out his Holy Spirit with tremendous power on the followers of Jesus. When Jesus’ disciples were filled with the Spirit, they began to praise God and to speak of him in such a way that those who heard them could tell they were under the influence of something beyond themselves.

Day to Day Trials

Over the last several days I have been praying about some troubling circumstances and asking for peace and answers. Answers for me, for those I care about, and for enemies. Answers weren’t coming and as I found my despair rising, I was reminded that there was a time when I would have turned to alcohol to numb these emotions.

This morning I was getting caught up on our congregational Holy Week devotionals and was struck by Ann Voskamp’s message for Friday April 1st : https://annvoskamp.com/2021/03/1-word-that-will-revolutionize-your-holy-week-your-life/

1 Corinthians 11:23-26 tells us on the night he was BETRAYED, Jesus broke bread and gave THANKS.  The article goes on to talk about giving thanks when fighting the dark.  She says “If Jesus chooses to Practice Thanksgiving in the face of incomprehensible dark – why do we think there is any other better weapon against the dark?” 

And there was my answer. The answer to my recent struggles and the answer when facing any darkness is a thankful heart.  1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 tells us to “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”.  I tend to let the struggles and darkness consume me, but Paul commands us to focus on the gifts the Lord has given us. Today, I am thankful that by God’s grace and mercy, when the brokenness of this life is overwhelming, I can seek to be under the influence of the Holy Spirit instead of a drink. That chain has been broken and I praise the Lord.

God can and does work all things for our good.  There are lessons to be learned in day to day struggles and darkness we face.  There are lessons to be learned from addiction and that is the only way I can truly be thankful the scars.

May we all be thankful for the gifts God has given us, may we be under the influence of the Holy Spirit.  May that influence lead us to be thankful for the gifts (good and bad) we receive from the Lord each and every day.  On this Easter may we be thankful for the greatest gift ever given – Jesus Christ dying on the cross in our place and rising again so we can live in eternity with Him forever. 

PRAISE THE LORD!!!

OTHER BLOG STUFF – Songs and Quotes…

Praise you in the Storm

Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
God, You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
And once again
I say, “A-men” and it’s still rainin’

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I’ll raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry, You raised me up again
But my strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You?

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I’ll raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of heaven and earth
(I lift my eyes unto the hills)
(Where does my help come from?)

And I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
Though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

And though my heart is torn
(Though my heart is torn)
I’ll praise You in this storm
(Praise You in this storm)

QUOTE

“Counting the hard gifts as good gifts is my quiver to make all the dark quake.”

Ann voskamp

Until next time I’m thankful for the Scars, may God Bless You!

KB

WITH GOD

March 15, 2020 /

I’ve come to the day in my journal entry sharing that I was prepared to quit drinking. It was a day that the Lord had known from the beginning, before my birth this day 47 years prior. And in his grace, he gave me a glimpse of his sovereignty, presence, and plan. A coincidence of dates maybe, but I know differently.

 Wednesday September 27th 2017 
 
Max Lucado devotional for today:  “Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say. . .“It is Well with My Soul!”

I was led to a book yesterday Coming Clean by Seth Haines.  It’s more of a diary from what I can tell so far about Seth’s getting sober and beating (I think) alcohol addiction.  The Chapters are dates and the first Chapter is dated September 26th, I choose to believe that is not a coincidence and God wants me to read this book.  I pray this morning for God to help me hear whatever it is I need to hear/learn from this book.  Praise the Lord!

A week or so later I decided to reach out to Seth Haines (the author) and sent him the following email:

 I am recovering from alcohol addiction; this is my 9th day of not drinking. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. 

 I started going to a Christian counselor on July 12th XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX and have gone every week since. We took an approach of gradual decrease in drinking with the goal of abstinence. I had recently decided I would stop drinking on my birthday September 27th.  I was led to your book last Tuesday (Sept 26th) and was stunned when I opened up my Kindle app and saw chapter 1 dated September 26th!!! One of many examples of God’s great love and timing I’ve experienced over the past 2+ months. I just last night read the Chapter where you talk about your counseling experience going from feeling awkward to looking forward to it, very much the same experience I’ve had. I have not had a sick child, however many of the other things you’ve experienced have been nearly identical to what I’ve experienced. I can’t begin to tell you how much I’ve appreciated this book; I look forward to reading it each night before bed. I truly believe this book has been a gift from God that I received at exactly the right time.

 Yesterday I talked with my counselor about my struggle to share my story with others. To this point only a few close friends and my parents are aware that I had a problem. I still struggle with being embarrassed and ashamed about my past (I realize this is the enemy). She is encouraging me to share and experience the freedom she believes it will give me. I know she’s right and I’m working through getting past my shame, I will get there.

 Anyway I Praise God for your book and wanted to thank you.

(Seth Haines released his second book in January – “The Book of Waking Up”, I’m close to finishing it up.  I highly recommend both of these books, Seth has a unique gifted way of writing that really speaks to me.)

This is a great reminder to me of God’s PERFECT timing.  It was as if God was saying, in case you doubt Kurtis, I’m here with you and I always will be.  He has been with me each and every day and continues to be with me and I NEED Him.  Joshua 1:9 (NIV) says:

A command and a promise that is so true.  With God my weakness becomes strength!  With God He turns my fears into courage!  Today (03/14/20) is 900 days since I quit drinking, no way I would have ever had the strength to do this without God, no way I could have had the courage to confess and share my story without God.  It’s His strength that has sustained me and will continue to do so the rest of my life.  

DIVINE SOBRIETY

Seth Haines has a section in “The Book of Waking Up” called What is Sobriety?  He gives us some ideas on what scripture says about being sober:

117. IT’S ALL ABOUT ORDERING OUR LOVES

“To be sober—what does it mean but to be awake to all our coping mechanisms, even our transfer addictions?  What is true sobriety if not ensuring that we’re seeking God for the things only he can give and that we’re using the pleasures of the world as he intended.  This is the message of the Scriptures: Love the Lord your God first; love your neighbor as much as you love yourself—and by implication, love everything else under that (Matt. 22:37-38).  Sobriety is all about ordering our affections, ours loves.  It’s about being awake to God in every moment, even the moments of our pain, and fixing our adoration to him.  It’s a call that can be seen throughout the Scriptures………” 
138. THIS IS DIVINE SOBRIETY 

“See?  For Jesus it wasn’t all about the rules, the dos and do-nots.  He knew we could just say no to drugs, refrain from overdrinking, and put site blockers on our website browsers and still be asleep to God’s love.  All the rules in the world won’t lead us into a life of diving sobriety.  So the way I see it, the sobriety Jesus preached is marked by three characteristics:

1. Being so incorporated into the Divine Love of God that every created thing (bread, wine, even pain) draws us ever deeper into that love

2. Letting go of the created things we’re prone to use as substitutes for the healing, resurrecting, life-giving, restoring Divine Love

3. Pushing into the Divine Love through eating his body, drinking his blood, walking as he walked, praying as prayed, loving as he loved, blessing as he blessed”

I want more than just being “sober”, I seek this Divine Sobriety that Seth is talking about.  I want to see God in all the created things of this world – not turn them into coping mechanisms or worse, addictions and idles.

My prayer for myself and anyone who might be struggling with alcohol or any addiction would be that we would seek God in our struggles.  I pray that He will give us the strength and courage to overcome the chains of addiction.  May our affections be ordered so that we will always be awake to God in every moment.  As Seth said, may we let go of the created things we’re prone to use, restoring the Divine Love of God!

OTHER BLOGG STUFF – Songs and Quotes…

LORD, I NEED YOU by Matt Maher 

Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You’re the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
Where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

So teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
When I cannot stand I’ll fall on You
Jesus, You’re my hope and stay

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

You’re my one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

The world is filled with God’s glory. You can’t turn without bumping into it.

R. C. Sproul

Until next time I’m thankful for the Scars, may God Bless You!

KB

CONTENTMENT

January 17, 2020 /

By no means am I content in all circumstances but I am learning. 

I recently finished a Matt Chandler study on Philippians: “Philippians: To Live is Christ, To Die is Gain”.   It is a 12 session study with the last session titled “True Contentment”.  I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the journal entries I’m sharing touch on the contentment that I was beginning to experience in my circumstances:

Tuesday September 19th 2017

It’s been a while since I’ve written in my journal.  A few random updates, I have continued to be successful reducing my drinking and staying within my limits.  I am down to XXXXXXXXXXXXXX and rather than doing that for 2 weeks my plan is for 1 week and as of tomorrow dropping to XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX with the goal of quitting on my birthday 09/27.  I feel as good about this as I think I ever will.  I realize there will still be battles, urges and triggers but I feel like I’m prepared to deal with them.  I listened to a sermon recently about addiction and the pastor’s main point was any addiction can’t be beaten without a change in the heart related to your relationship with God.  I believe that change is occurring within me. 

Rend Collective’s We Are More than Conquerors has been a song I’ve listened to alot lately and I made the connection with Romans 8:37 (which I’m trying to memorize).

I’m finding contentment with where I’m at and I know that’s only coming from God.  

I praise God for his unfailing love and for providing everything I’ve needed to heal and get me to the point where I’m ready to quit drinking.
Wednesday September 20th 2017

Listened to a Timothy Keller sermon on my way to counseling today – “Removing idles of the Heart”.  He talked about the difference between Self-Pity & Repentance.  Self-Pity is thinking about the consequence of sin, how it’s messed up your life – you hate the consequence of sin.  Self-Pity leads to continuing to love the sin, so it still has power over you but hating yourself for being so stupid.  True Repentance is saying what has this sin done to God, who sent his son to die for me.  Taking your sin to the cross, when you see what effect it’s had on the loving God it melts you and you begin to hate the sin.  It begins to lose its attractive power over you.  Instead of hating yourself you hate the sin, the idol bit by bit begins to get crushed.
  
I shared this with XXXXXX today, when I first started coming to see XXXXX I hated the consequence of my sin.  I still wanted to drink and thought I needed to drink.  Over the last several weeks/months God has helped me to start my day with scripture for over 30 days straight and that among other things have begun to change my heart.  I am overwhelmed with how much God loves me and has done and is doing for me.  For the first time I truly believe I can quit drinking and I am actually excited about the thought of it.  It’s like a burden that will be lifted.  I have gone from hating the consequence of my sin/addiction to hating the sin itself and for that I say PRAISE THE LORD!!!

As I’m writing this morning, Josh Baldwin’s “Let the Redeemed” is playing and I am struck by these lyrics (full lyrics below):

“There is joy in the morning

Springing up in my soul

There is life worth living

‘Cause He calls me His own

And there’s a hallelujah

After sweet victory”

That sums up very nicely what I’m feeling related to contentment.  My contentment comes from knowing that He – Jesus calls me His own.  There is victory over whatever comes our way if we are His. We know that whatever happens here in this life will end in eternity with Him.  

I don’t want to suggest that I live a life of constant contentment, those who know me best certainly know that isn’t true.  In the Philippians study, Matt Chandler talks about the need to practice the things that we read in scripture, including being thankful in every circumstance. It’s not natural for me to be content (let alone thankful) when things aren’t going my way, but it’s something that is getting easier as I practice and learn to take it all to the Lord.

And so…as I’ve been thinking about this, I have begun to consider other personal struggles that present the opportunity for me to “practice” what scripture calls me to do so that I might be obedient. In addition to being content, being thankful in all circumstances, praying for and loving my enemies, praying without ceasing, and not being anxious about anything are commands that the Lord has given us.

The consequence of my addiction and sin have dramatically altered my life. Some of these consequences have been and are still very painful, but in some way that I can’t really explain He has provided what I have needed when I have needed it. I know this is His grace and that’s the only way I have found this contentment.

PRO FOOTBALL

I’m a Chicago Bears fan, so the football playoffs are disappointing to watch since they aren’t participating (I realize that I’ve been writing about being content LOL). However, I’ve been struck by how many of these high profile players are actively professing a faith in Christ: Drew Brees, Ryan Tannehill, Derrick Henry, Russell Wilson and Kirk Cousins to name a few.  I’ve been especially impressed by Kirk Cousin’s story, well worth the 5+ minutes when you have time:

OTHER BLOGG STUFF – Songs and Quotes…

LET THE REDEEMED by Josh Baldwin

He led me out of the desert
Brought me into His streams
River of living water
Turned my bitter into sweet
And all my burdens are lifted
You took the shackles off my feet

There’s no sound louder than a captive set free

So let the redeemed of the Lord say so
Sing of His promises ever more
Pour out your thankfulness, let it overflow
Let the redeemed of the Lord say so

There is joy in the morning
Springing up in my soul
There is life worth living
‘Cause He calls me His own
And there’s a hallelujah
After sweet victory

And there’s no sound louder than a captive set free
No’ there’s no sound louder than a captive set free

So let the redeemed of the Lord say so
Sing of His promises ever more
Pour out your thankfulness’ let it overflow
Let the redeemed of the Lord say so

You are my Deliverer
The freedom I’m livin’ in
You are my Deliverer
You are my promised land
Oh’ You are my Deliverer
The freedom I’m livin’ in
God, You are my Deliverer
You are my promised land

So let the redeemed of the Lord say so
Sing of His promises ever more
Pour out your thankfulness, let it overflow
Let the redeemed of the Lord say so
Pour out your thankfulness’ let it overflow
Let the redeemed of the Lord say so

I’ll never be alone anymore
How could my voice be quiet?
You are my Deliverer
You are my Deliverer

QUOTE

For pride is spiritual cancer; it eats up the very possibility of love, contentment, or even common sense.

C.S. Lewis

Until next time I’m thankful for the scars, may God Bless You!

KB

HABITS

December 12, 2019 /

Early on my counselor talked in our sessions about my need to replace bad habits (drinking and preparing to drink) with other productive things.  It was really mind boggling to me how much of my time was spent focused on my drinking habit.  As I continued with counseling and began decreasing the time I spent drinking , I began to find other things to do. I found cleaning out and reorganizing the garage and laundry room to be surprisingly satisfying.  I started reading all kinds of Christian books in the evening.  This was a helpful, even necessary, new habit for me.  Reading about others who have struggled with addiction and various types of suffering was a great blessing for me and helped me to continue to move towards abstinence. 

One new habit, however, was life changing. Some of the books I was reading talked about the importance of spending time in prayer and reading the Bible on a daily basis. I’m not by nature a morning person. Waking up early has always seemed ridiculous to me. My typical habit had generally been to sleep as late as possible and to allow only enough time to shower and grab a bite to eat before work. Previous attempts to begin a daily trend of reading the Bible and praying were short lived and half-hazard. But by the grace of God, I was compelled to radically change the start of my day. I began getting up at 5:30am to read the Bible and devotionals and spend time in prayer. This is something I would never have done on my own, but the Lord helped me to do it over and over again and tremendous blessings have come out of the morning time that I have devoted to Him.

I love reading old journal entries and seeing how the Lord was working in my life. This one speaks of the significance of my new morning routine and joy that was resulting…

Monday September 4th 2017
About a month ago I lost my August Stand Firm devotional.  About that same time I received an email and was led to “Practicing His Presence” booklet.  What a blessing this has been, today is 3 weeks that I’ve started my day with God using this booklet as guide to helping me read and understand scripture.  I’ve got a long way to go but this has been a great start to a new habit that I desperately needed.  In addition, I am now using the September copy of Stand Firm to supplement what I’m doing.  “Practicing His Presence” is a 4-week study, when I ordered it I also ordered “Knowing Christ” and I plan to move on to it when I finish.

Joy I again am feeling on this day even though XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I believe that is not what God wants me to do so I am going to wait, trust he is working and be patient letting him work. Praise GOD!

Friday, Saturday and last night I had urges to drink a lot or even a little over our agreed limit XXXXXXXXXX.  I’m guessing it’s because of the nice weather and the Holiday weekend.  I was able to overcome those urges and limit myself XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.  I’m finding as I’ve read that if I can wait out the urges or change my thinking the urge passes.  Also when I am drinking as I’ve told XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I feel like I’m NOT going to need more.  Progress I guess and I pray that God will continue to be with me as I work towards abstinence.

Those weeks and months towards the end of 2017 I found myself alone most evenings. I felt very alone and didn’t know what to do with myself. God used my new habit, precious time with him, to reveal to me that He is enough and all I will ever need.

I’m so thankful for the truth that God is all that I need and He truly is ENOUGH!

RUNNING FOR the PRIZE (illustration)

In my last post I wrote about running for the prize (1 Corinthians 9:24-27), running towards eternity.  Francis Chan has a great illustration of this, please check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86dsfBbZfWs

OTHER BLOGG STUFF – Songs and Quotes…

ENOUGH by Elias Dummer

I am not what I make; I am who you have made me to be
I am not what I’ve done; I am loved unconditionally
I am not loved by the measure of love that I bring
I am not who I know; I am known by the king of all kings

Jesus, you are enough
Jesus, you are enough for me
With nothing; I still have everything
Jesus, you are enough for me

You are maker made visible; holding the world in your hands
You are patient and merciful; giver of grace without end
Satisfied simply by being who you’ve always been
You are infinite love and you prove it again and again

Jesus, you are enough
Jesus, you are enough for me
With nothing; I still have everything
Jesus, you are enough for me

Jesus, you are enough
Jesus, you are enough for me
With nothing; I still have everything
Jesus, you are enough for me

In you, I am created
In you, I am sustained
With you, I am resurrected
You overcame the grave

With you I stand in victory!
Now what else could I need?
With you I want for nothing
Jesus, my everything!

Jesus, you are enough
Jesus, you are enough for me
With nothing; I still have everything
Jesus, you are enough for me

Jesus, you are enough
Jesus, you are enough for me
With nothing; I still have everything
Jesus, you are enough for me

Jesus, you are enough
Jesus, you are enough for me
With nothing; I still have everything
Jesus, you are enough for me

QUOTE

It is not Christ plus something else. Jesus is enough!

A W Tozer

Until next time I’m thankful for the scars, may God Bless You!

KB

WHY SHARE MY STORY?

October 30, 2019 /

I’d like to write a bit about why I’ve felt led to share my story.  Very early on in my counseling I had a strong desire to help others (if I could) who were struggling with addiction.  So it’s something I’ve prayed about a lot.  Over the past several months I’ve had a lot of ideas on different things I might do but never took any action.  I had hoped that if I prayed enough, God would give me a clear sign of what He’d have me do.  While I certainly believe this is possible (there are countless examples in scripture) I don’t think it’s the norm.  I think sometimes God wants us simply to take action in faith.  That’s what I’ve attempted to do by starting this blog, acted in my belief that God can use my experience in some way to help others. 

The Purpose Drive Life book by Rick Warren speaks to this.  In Warren’s MEDITATIONS on the PURPOSE-DRIVEN LIFE, which I include in my morning devotionals from time to time, he talks about how God uses experiences to shape us for service:

EXPERIENCES are one of the most important things God uses to shape you for service.  There are five kinds of experience God uses:

  • Family experiences–interactions with parents, children, spouses, and anyone you call family.

  • Vocational experiences–everything you learn on the job, from skills to getting along with others.

  • Educational experiences–times of learning throughout your life, from elementary school to continuing discovery as an adult.

  • Spiritual experiences–those special moments of incredible closeness with God, when you discover something new about who he is and who you are in him.

But most important of all:

  • Painful experiences–disappointments, hurts, and sorrows cause you to lean heavily on God, and develop empathy in your heart for the hurts of others.

Painful experiences are hard to understand.  We ask God, “Why me?”

But…

  • Who can better help the parents of a handicapped child than other parents of a handicapped child?

  • Who can better help somebody going through the pain of divorce than somebody else who has gone through one?

  • Who can better help an alcoholic than somebody who has struggled with alcoholism?

Often, the very problem that you struggle most with in life, the very thing you like the least about yourself or your circumstances, the very experience that you’re most embarrassed and ashamed of, is the tool God wants to use in you to bless, encourage, and minister to others.  God uses not just our strengths.  He also uses our weaknesses.

I’ve read those two pages of that book many times. Clearly it speaks to me and my desire to help others. In my own strength I’m not sure I can do much for anyone but, with Jesus and His power who knows what can happen?

Until next time, I’m thankful for the scars, may God Bless you!

KB

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