I'm Thankful for the Scars

PSALM 119:71 (NIV) "It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees"

Tag: christian recovery alcoholic

Where is Light in a dark world?

August 17, 2024 /

In this dark world of pain and suffering I sometimes struggle to see any good, to see any light.  It’s so easy for me to get caught up in myself, what I perceive to be my greatest needs. That in turn causes me to live with doubt, live in fear, live without the hope that Jesus gives us. 

I recently heard Shane and Shane on XM radio sing “In the Light” https://youtu.be/Xbn-VlmArbU?si=QwHBEjsOUhnzz_ok, a song I believe was originally done by DC Talk  https://youtu.be/0JxEwfbidFk?si=zfCJBc5-wBr0qf2B in the 90’s.  It speaks to me, it helps me to see my struggle more clearly and helps me regain the focus on Jesus that is needed to find peace and joy in the light.

Lyrics below with my comments in italics:

In the Light

I keep trying to find a life
On my own apart from You

Why do I do this? Why can’t I give everything to the Lord?

I am the king of excuses
I’ve got one for every selfish thing I do

The selfishness of pride still rages inside of me.  I’m needy and I do make excuses for myself.           

What’s going on inside of me
I despise my own behavior

Why?  Why?  Why?  I often have such sinful thoughts and desires and I can’t explain them.  I can’t rid myself of them.

This only serves to confirm my suspicion
That I’m still a man in need of a savior

I see my need for Jesus, I see my need for a Savior.  I don’t know where I’d be or where I’d go without Him

I wanna be in the light as You are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens

There is peace in the light, when I’m with Jesus there is such great peace, hope and joy.  Why would I want to be anywhere else?  I want to shine and show the love of Jesus to everyone.

Oh Lord be my Light and be my salvation
All I want is to be in the light
Oh all I want is to be in the light

Remind me Jesus, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute who my salvation is.  Help me to stay in You and in the Light

The disease of self runs through my blood
It’s a cancer fatal to my soul

I know the answer but yet I still am selfish, I still am prideful, I still hurt those I love.  The sin inside me is lethal and I am helpless against it in my own strength.

Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring this sickness under control

I fail time and time again to stop this behavior, to stop sinful thoughts.  In my own strength I continue to fail.

What’s going on inside of me
I despise my own behavior

How did I get here again?  Why do I hurt those I love?  Why do I make it all about me?


This only serves to confirm my suspicion
That I’m still a man in need of a savior

I need Jesus more than ever, He is the answer.  He is the only answer and the answer to everything.  Without Jesus I’m lost, I’m addicted, I’m hopeless.

I wanna be in the light as You are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens

Jesus protects me, Jesus calls me to walk with him in the light.

Oh Lord be my Light and be my salvation
All I want is to be in the light
Oh all I want is to be in the light

I call on Jesus and he is always near and quick to answer.  He pulls me back into the light when I seek Him.  I want to be in the light!

Honesty becomes me
There’s nothing left to lose
The secrets that did run me
In Your presence are defused
Pride has no position
And riches have no worth
The fame that once did cover me
Has been sentenced to Earth
Has been sentenced to Earth

I’m a stranger in this world, my home is in heaven.  I need Jesus, I need the truth of the gospel.  Nothing, nothing in the world satisfies me like Jesus and I long to be with Him in eternity.

What’s going on inside of me
I despise my own behavior

Each day I have a choice to make. Do I listen to the lies I hear from the enemy?  Do I focus on the darkness in the world? Why does this choice have to be made?  Why does the struggle continue?

This only serves to confirm my suspicion
That I’m still a man in need of a savior

I can’t do it alone, I need a Savior – I need Jesus!

I wanna be in the light as You are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh Lord be my Light and be my salvation
All I want is to be in the light
Oh all I want is to be in the light
All I want is to be in the light

Jesus is the light of the world!

Again Jesus spoke to them, saying “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

John 8:12 (ESV)

May we all walk in the light of Jesus. God bless You!

HOPE, Suffering, Perseverance, Character and back to HOPE

July 27, 2023 /

Circle of HOPE

I recently accompanied the youth group that I’m involved in on their mission trip to a group work camp.  The theme of the week was FORGED.  Like the metalworking process, God forges us, shapes us, and transforms us through life’s journey.  Most of us spend the majority of our lives in comfortable seasons of hope.  But we all go through suffering.  All of us.  We aren’t expecting it when it happens, but it is guaranteed to be a part of life.  We learned that suffering is part of the Circle of Hope.  God gives us the gift of hope.  Whenever we face difficult times yet persevere, we will learn & grow stronger.  God promises that.

My Grandfather passed away early the day after we returned from the Mission Trip.  I’m reminded of the impact my grandparents have had on my life.  When I was a young boy, around 11 or 12 my grandparents asked me if I wanted to be saved.  I said that I did and we went into their bedroom to read scripture and they helped me pray and invite Jesus into my heart. 

The day Jesus saved me was one of the most hopeful times of my life.  I felt prepared to do or face anything.  What I didn’t realize at the time was that this circle that we learned about is real and I was not prepared for it. 

The way the week’s programs and devotions were written forced us to reflect on our journeys. 

  • Sunday – HOPE
  • Monday – Suffering, it’s a part of the journey
  • Tuesday – Suffering produces perseverance
  • Wednesday – Perseverance produces character
  • Thursday – Character produces HOPE
  • Friday – Forge ahead

As I thought about my time between being saved as a young boy up until 5 or 6 years ago I saw how much of my journey was spent wandering, attempting to find my way, making a lot of bad decisions, heading down the wrong path.

It seems there are different types of suffering, the kind that happens to us (losing a loved one, getting sick, etc.) and the kind that is the result of our sin and decisions we have made.

The circle I was reflecting on included much suffering as a result of my sin of addiction.  As I’ve written previously, this has been very painful.  My sin resulted in suffering for not only myself but caused suffering for my family and for my children.  It caused suffering that we all feel today and suffering that I’m sure to feel for the rest of my life.  Unfortunately, I can’t change that.

Here’s what Tish Harrison writes about suffering in her book Prayer in the Night: For those Who Work or Watch or Weep:

Suffering strips away the self.  This sounds terribly painful, and it is.  But the meaning and object of suffering isn’t pain; it is to learn to give and receive love.  God isn’t a sadist who delights in using agony to teach us a lesson.  But in the alchemy of redemption, God can take what is only sorrow and transform it into the very path by which we learn to love God and let ourselves be loved.  This is the strange (and usually unwanted) way of abundant life – the dying necessary to bring resurrection.  Scott Cairns writes, “The hard way is pretty much the only way that most of us manage to learn anything.  Affliction, suffering, and pain are – even if they are nothing else – remarkably effective.”

If I’m being completely honest, as Cairns wrote, the only way I was going to learn was the hard way.  The reality that I was possibly going to lose everything I loved is what it took to get my attention.  That’s embarrassing to admit, shameful – but it’s true.

But the beauty of the gospel and God’s love for us is that God uses all suffering to produce something in us if we let him.  Jesus is Hope and that is something I’ve been extremely blessed to have experienced. 

On the way home from the Mission Trip I heard Austin French’s song Jesus Can.  Wow!  What a great description of what I’ve experienced in recovery:        

Everybody’s got that hurt they wished that never happened.  Everybody’s got that pain they wish they could undo.  But wounds become scars & scars become stories – and when it comes to the story of you – who turns a broken dream into a life redeemed?  Who can turn your worst defeat into your victory?  Who saw me where was and led me where I stand?  My life is living proof that only Jesus can.

Jesus took my worst defeat, redeemed me and now I have victory and hope in Jesus.  He can do the same for you!  My Hope on the Mission Trip and anytime I’m given the opportunity to share my story is that it will help others to see the Hope we always have in Jesus.

Crew 17 and 18

To the crews I spent the week with on this Mission Trip.  As this was my first mission trip I wasn’t sure what to expect.  I am so thankful for each and every one of you, it was truly a blessing to spend the week with each of you.  The love you showed to me as I shared was amazing.  I miss working with you and especially miss our devotional and prayer time together.  May we always remember what we learned about Hope during our time together and I pray for God’s blessings over you and your families.

OTHER BLOG STUFF – Songs and Quotes…

HOLD ON

Song by Katy Nichole

Smoke clouds
All around
Couldn’t see Your face
Darkness consumed me
Stuck in the bitterness

But I know there’s a light
That’s waiting up ahead
So I’ll stay in the fight
And look to the One who said

Hold on just a little bit longer
I know it’s gonna be okay
These days are gonna make you stronger
You’ll find purpose in the pain
Hold on just a little bit longer
Deep down there’s a well of faith
Let hope arise as you’re lifting up My name
And just hold on
Just hold on, hold on

Your promise
It still stands
It’s chasing after me
The rainbow
Through storm clouds
Is how I’m gonna see

That there is a light
That’s waiting up ahead
So I’ll stay in the fight
And look to the One who said

Hold on just a little bit longer
I know it’s gonna be okay
These days are gonna make you stronger
You’ll find purpose in the pain
Hold on just a little bit longer
Deep down there’s a well of faith
Let hope arise as you’re lifting up My name
And just hold on
Hold on, hold on

Just wait ’til you see what’s at the end of the road
A new life is ready to unfold

Hold on just a little bit longer
I know it’s gonna be okay
These days are gonna make you stronger
You’ll find purpose in the pain
Hold on just a little bit longer
Deep down there’s a well of faith
Let hope arise as you’re lifting up My name
And just hold on
Hold on, hold on
Just hold on
Just hold on

We ought to give thanks for all fortune; if it is good, because it is good, if bad, because it works in us patience, humility and the contempt of this world and the hope of our eternal country.

C.S. LEWIS

darkness / LIGHT

March 11, 2023 /

We’ve been studying the book of Peter in our weekly Bible study at Church.  1 Peter 2:9 is a verse that speaks to me having spent much of my life living in the darkness. Living in the darkness of addiction meant lying to myself, lying to others and keeping secrets from most everyone.  Secrets are kept in the darkness, so that’s where I stayed. As I’ve written before I had a good job, coached baseball, basketball and softball.  I attended church regularly and at times was actively involved in the Church.  I was “functional” in the world and in front of others but I was living a lie in darkness for the most part.

During bedtime devotionals with my wife and 3 step-sons we’ve been working our way through Genesis.  Genesis 19 tells the story of God saving Lot from the destruction of Sodom.  Angels warned Lot the city of Sodom where Lot was living was about to be destroyed and to get his family and leave immediately.  It’s not clear why but it says Lot hesitated, some translations say he hesitated and lingered.  Why did Lot want to stay in the darkness?  Was there something holding him back?  Because of this hesitation the angels took hold of him and his family and took them out of the city (out of the darkness) to save them.  

As I’ve been considering this story I’ve seen a parallel to my life.  Sin, in my case addiction to alcohol was so powerful in my life that I couldn’t see life beyond alcohol.  I didn’t see a need to quit and didn’t want to or believe I could quit.  I felt trapped in the darkness and couldn’t see a way out to the light. I wonder how many times God started to pull me out and I fought Him to stay/linger in the darkness over the years of my addiction.  It’s painful to think about, it’s maddening to think how long I chose to ignore the light and stay in the darkness.

Marvelous Light

A couple in our Church recently performed an Ellie Holcomb song – Marvelous Light (lyrics below).  I fell in love with the song and discovered on Ellie’s’ blog that it was inspired by a character in an Andrew Peterson book (The Wingfeather Saga).  The character Podo Helmer had spent most of his life hiding his past.  One day his secrets are exposed in front of the very people he was trying to hide them from.  Ellie says that after this intense seen Andrew writes the following about Podo:

“He moved through the days in peace and wonder, for his whole story had been told for the first time, and he found that he was still loved.”  (North or Be Eaten!, p.321)

When we follow God out of the darkness and into the light He is always with us, He is always faithful. 

 If I say, “Surely the darkness will cover me, And the night will be the only light around me,” Even the darkness is not dark to You and conceals nothing from You, But the night shines as bright as the day; Darkness and light are alike to You. 

Psalm 139:11-12

I recently participated in leadership training at work.  One of our assignments was to share in 2 minutes or less something we had achieved and what the lesson was in that achievement.  I was struggling to decide what to speak about and at the last minute settled on overcoming my addiction.  I started by saying I would share one of my greatest failures (addiction) and greatest accomplishments (overcoming addiction) which I shared the best I could in 2 minutes.  Some of the participants in the training knew of my past and some did not.  Each time I have shared how the Lord saved me from myself I feel His love.  I also have received and this time was no different love and support from those I share with. 

Sometimes we need God to pull us out of the darkness.  Thankfully I eventually saw enough light to allow God to pull me out of my darkness.  He is faithful and continues to draw me to Him, to His light and His love.

May we all live in His peace and see how much we are loved by the One who is Light!

OTHER BLOG STUFF – Songs and Quotes…

 Marvelous Light

Song by Ellie Holcomb

I am not who I once was
Defined by all the things I’ve done
Afraid my shame would be exposed
Afraid of really being known
But then you gave my heart a home

So I walked out of the darkness and into the light
From fear of shame into the hope of life
Mercy called my name and made a way to fly
Out of the darkness and into the light

With years of keeping secrets safe
Wondering if I could change
‘Cause when you’re hiding all alone
Your heart can turn into a stone
And that’s not the way I want to go

So I walk out of the darkness and into the light
From fear of shame into the hope of life
Mercy called my name and made a way to fly
Out of the darkness and into the light

There’s no place I would rather be
Your light is Marvelous
Your light is Marvelous

You have come to set us free
You are Marvelous
Your light is Marvelous

So I walked out of the darkness and into the light
From fear of shame into the hope of life
Mercy called my name and made a way to fly
Out of the darkness and into the light

The purpose of the darkness is not to punish or to afflict us.  It is to set us free.  It is a divine appointment, a privileged opportunity to draw close to the divine center.

Richard foster

Depression, Spiritual Warfare and Getting out of the Boat

July 1, 2022 /

DEPRESSION?

We recently returned from a family vacation to Florida.  My parents took all of our family – there were 11 of us total.  In addition to my wife and I, my son and daughter (with boyfriend), sister, brother-in-law and 2 nephews were all able to make it.  We were blessed to be able to stay in a beautiful area at a beautiful condo and the Lord blessed us with beautiful weather, as well.  All the makings for a joyful, wonderful trip.  Instead I found myself down (depression?), again struggling with regrets about my past.  

SPIRITUAL WARFARE

One morning on vacation as I was working out and listening to music I noticed that nearly every song seemed to speak to me.  They were all about finding peace in Jesus.  As I was listening, I sensed the Holy Spirit telling me that I was depressed and urging me to battle, to fight.  I immediately became aware that when these feelings come on I tend to shut down and wallow in self-pity.  Opposite of what we are told to do:

Being told to battle awakened me and I’m so thankful for the message I received.  Despite knowing that I will continue to have temptations to shut down and feel sorry for myself I am reminded that I need to put on “God’s armor” and battle.  Ephesians 6:13 tells us to “use every piece of God’s armor to resist the enemy.”  I will remember the Lord’s truths and the Good News that gives us peace.  I will exercise my faith, use the sword of the Spirit (Word of God) and I will pray.  Pray without ceasing until I win the battle.

GET OUT OF THE BOAT

Before I can start these battles I need to “get out of the boat”.  Let me explain….

During vacation the college softball world series was often on in our cabana by the pool or while we were gathered in our condos.  The Oklahoma Sooners wound up winning it all, so we had the opportunity to watch them a few times.  I noticed their players making a rowing motion and screaming something into the dugout each time they got on base.  I had no idea what that was all about but when I returned home I saw video on Facebook where Jordy Bahl (freshman pitcher) explained it:

What a great message and visual for me!  I can attempt to battle in my own strength, that might work for the short term but it won’t win the battle.  To win the battle I need to get out of the boat (WHAT IS THE BOAT FOR YOU? SELF-PITTY? DEPRESSION??), put on the armor of God and fix my eyes on Jesus.  That’s the formula to win the battle.

OTHER BLOG STUFF – Songs and Quotes…

I Believe It Now

Sidewalk Prophets

I couldn’t see it then, but I believe it now
Just a searching soul tired of reaching out
Stuck on the tracks, train bearing down
Screaming from my lungs, ” Who will save me now?”

As the reruns of the regrets, they replay inside my head
Got the devil on my shoulder, and he’s leaving me for dead
Whispers and lies have brought me here
Flooding my veins with doubt and fear

Oh, I
I could not see it then
Oh, I
I could not see

Oh, my God
I remember when I cried
Shook my fists up at the sky
I wondered why
You felt so far from me

Oh, God
It was in my deepest pain
That I heard You call my name
I heard You say
That You were right there with me

I couldn’t see it then, but I believe it now
Trying to hold my head up when the ground fell out
I felt all alone even in a crowd
Like a sinking stone dragging my heart down

And the weight of the sorrows I carried on my chest
It kept pulling me under, and I couldn’t catch my breath
Not how I thought my life would go
Didn’t know my heart could sink this low

No, I
I could not see it then
No, I
I could not see it

Oh, my God
I remember when I cried
Shook my fists up at the sky
I wondered why
You felt so far from me

Oh, God
It was in my deepest pain
That I heard You call my name
I heard You say
That You were right there with me

Love was standing there
Holding me
But I couldn’t see
That love was always there
He carried me
And now, I believe

Oh, my God
I know You heard me when I cried
‘Cause You were right there by my side
I realized
That You have never left me

Oh, God
It was in my deepest pain
That I heard You call my name
I heard You say
That You were right there with me

I couldn’t see it then (I could not see it)
But now I believe (now I believe)
I couldn’t see it then (I could not see it)
But now I believe (now I believe)
(I could not see, now I believe)
But now I believe

Now I believe
(I could not see, now I believe)
(I could not see, now I believe)

QUOTE

When we depend upon organizations, we get what organizations can do; when we depend upon man, we get what man can do; but when we depend upon prayer, we get what God can do.

A.C. Dixon

Until next time I’m thankful for the Scars, may God Bless You!

KB

Addiction and Time

October 9, 2021 /

The Value of our Time

As I celebrate 4 years of sobriety on September 27th, my 51st birthday, I find myself facing the lingering consequences of my addiction to alcohol.

I want to forget my addiction and its problems, want to completely move on from it. I wish I could act like it never happened. But as life moves on, I am faced with the bitter reality of lost time. I can’t help but compare how I spend my time today with how it was spent when I was controlled by my addiction. 

With my marriage in June of 2020, came three wonderful little boys. Being able to play a part in their lives is a blessing which I am truly thankful for. But as I spend time with them, I’m constantly reminded of what I was (or wasn’t) doing with my own precious kids (son 21 years old and daughter 18 years old) at various times in their childhood. The difference between sober, present parenting and my former parenting is obvious to me and it fills me with regret. 

This August both of my kids moved away to college. The physical move had been delayed for my oldest because of COVID, causing this transition to coincide with my second’s freshman year 9 hours from home. I know this can be a difficult time for any parent but it’s proven to be extra trying for me.  I value time with my children so much differently now than I did during my addicted years.  Spending a couple of hours eating wings with my son and watching football on a Sunday afternoon when he’s home from college is a great blessing.  My 6:00 pm weekly Sunday evening calls with my daughter is time I cherish. While missing my kids and wanting to spend time with them, I’m haunted by thoughts of times when addiction dominated my decisions and robbed me of invaluable moments with my kids.  We had many great times during their childhood but it is undeniable that many were lost. For those moments I’ve been beating myself up, unable to completely forgive myself. But I know that there is a place and a person in whom I can find freedom from my regret. 

Early on in my recovery, my addiction counselor sent me the following devotional: 

When you sin, God’s Spirit will convict you of your need to repent and change your ways. But until you get your glorified body in heaven, you’re always going to deal with sin. The apostle James wrote, “We all stumble in many ways.” But falling down isn’t what makes you a failure—it’s staying down! Get back up, dust yourself off, receive God’s grace, learn from the experience, and move on. The Bible says, “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Ro 8:1 NIV). God is not condemning you, so stop condemning yourself. A few decades ago, people used to wear a little badge with the letters GNFWMY. It meant, “God’s not finished with me yet.” And He’s not finished with you either…Solomon wrote, “There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins” (Ecc 7:20 NIV). And Paul added, “I am not perfect. But Christ has taken hold of me. So I keep on running and struggling to take hold of the prize” (Php 3:12 CEV). So stop beating yourself up.

If God is not condemning me then what right do I have to continue to beat myself up over past sins?  God wasn’t finished with me when I was addicted, and he’s not finished with me (or you) yet.

I share this very personal struggle in the hope that it might help someone else.  Please know that addiction + parenting doesn’t work, addiction + anything doesn’t work. Addiction simply takes too much time.  Addiction blurs everything, especially selfishness.  Addiction causes us to care more about what we think we need than the needs of those closest to us.  Our children need and deserve our time.  If you are a parent struggling with addiction, my prayer is that the time you and your children are losing together will be revealed to you– you can’t get it back!  It’s possible today to make the decision to break free, everything is possible with the Lord. I praise him for making these 4+ years without alcohol possible and He is able to do that for you, too!

OTHER BLOG STUFF – Songs and Quotes…

You Love Me Anyway

Song by Sidewalk Prophets

The question was raised
As my conscience fell
A silly little lie

It didn’t mean much
But it lingers still
In the corners of my mind

Still you call me to walk
On the edge of this world
To spread my dreams and fly

But the future’s so far
My heart is so frail
I think I’d rather stay inside

But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life
That I’ve ever known
Yes You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
How you love me

It took more than my strength
To simply be still
To seek but never find

The reasons we change
The reasons I doubt
And Why do loved ones have to die?

But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life
That I’ve ever known
Yes You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me

I am the thorn in your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway
See now I am the man who yelled out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then I turned away with a smile on my face
With this sin in my heart, tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night I still call out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life

But You love me anyway
Oh God, how You love me
Yes You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life
That I’ve ever known
Yes You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me

You love me
You love me
You love me
You love me

How You love me
How You love me
How You love me

QUOTE

“The purpose of the darkness is not to punish or to afflict us.  It is to set us free.  It is a divine appointment, a privileged opportunity to draw close to the divine center.”

Richard foster

Until next time I’m thankful for the Scars, may God Bless You!

KB

Under the Influence of the Holy Spirit

April 4, 2021 /

The following are excerpts from an article entitled “The Alternative to Alcohol” written by David Feddes.

You need to be under the influence of something outside yourself… The best and happiest life is when your thoughts and emotions and actions are affected by some other power that makes you someone you wouldn’t otherwise be.  You shouldn’t be under the influence of alcohol, but you should be under the influence of the alternative to alcohol.

In Ephesians 5:18 the Bible says, “Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery.  Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit.”  In other words, be divinely drunk, spiritually soused.  God puts getting drunk side by side with being filled by his Spirit, and the Lord hints that there’s at least something in common.  That’s a shocking comparison!

On the day of Pentecost, shortly after Jesus rose from the dead, God poured out his Holy Spirit with tremendous power on the followers of Jesus. When Jesus’ disciples were filled with the Spirit, they began to praise God and to speak of him in such a way that those who heard them could tell they were under the influence of something beyond themselves.

Day to Day Trials

Over the last several days I have been praying about some troubling circumstances and asking for peace and answers. Answers for me, for those I care about, and for enemies. Answers weren’t coming and as I found my despair rising, I was reminded that there was a time when I would have turned to alcohol to numb these emotions.

This morning I was getting caught up on our congregational Holy Week devotionals and was struck by Ann Voskamp’s message for Friday April 1st : https://annvoskamp.com/2021/03/1-word-that-will-revolutionize-your-holy-week-your-life/

1 Corinthians 11:23-26 tells us on the night he was BETRAYED, Jesus broke bread and gave THANKS.  The article goes on to talk about giving thanks when fighting the dark.  She says “If Jesus chooses to Practice Thanksgiving in the face of incomprehensible dark – why do we think there is any other better weapon against the dark?” 

And there was my answer. The answer to my recent struggles and the answer when facing any darkness is a thankful heart.  1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 tells us to “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”.  I tend to let the struggles and darkness consume me, but Paul commands us to focus on the gifts the Lord has given us. Today, I am thankful that by God’s grace and mercy, when the brokenness of this life is overwhelming, I can seek to be under the influence of the Holy Spirit instead of a drink. That chain has been broken and I praise the Lord.

God can and does work all things for our good.  There are lessons to be learned in day to day struggles and darkness we face.  There are lessons to be learned from addiction and that is the only way I can truly be thankful the scars.

May we all be thankful for the gifts God has given us, may we be under the influence of the Holy Spirit.  May that influence lead us to be thankful for the gifts (good and bad) we receive from the Lord each and every day.  On this Easter may we be thankful for the greatest gift ever given – Jesus Christ dying on the cross in our place and rising again so we can live in eternity with Him forever. 

PRAISE THE LORD!!!

OTHER BLOG STUFF – Songs and Quotes…

Praise you in the Storm

Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
God, You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
And once again
I say, “A-men” and it’s still rainin’

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I’ll raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry, You raised me up again
But my strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You?

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I’ll raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of heaven and earth
(I lift my eyes unto the hills)
(Where does my help come from?)

And I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
Though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

And though my heart is torn
(Though my heart is torn)
I’ll praise You in this storm
(Praise You in this storm)

QUOTE

“Counting the hard gifts as good gifts is my quiver to make all the dark quake.”

Ann voskamp

Until next time I’m thankful for the Scars, may God Bless You!

KB

Alcohol free for 3 Years

September 27, 2020 /

A year ago today I posted my first entry on this blog – I had gone 2 years without a drink.  By the grace of God, I’m blessed to be able to say it’s now been 3 years.

This was my prayer a year ago and continues to be my prayer today:

My continued Prayer for this blog

My Father in Heaven, I thank you for your love, your grace and your mercy. I thank you for my brothers and sisters in Christ who have helped me get to this point. I praise you and thank you for giving me this opportunity to praise you through the sharing of my story. I ask that by sharing I would honor you and show others how great your love is for all of us. I ask this is Jesus’ name – Amen!

Hopeless to Hope

I would like to encourage anyone who is struggling with an addiction that there is hope.  One of my devotionals last week said “Hopelessness is the doorway to hope.  You have to give up on yourself before you will be excited about the hope that is yours in Christ Jesus.” 

Looking back, I was hopeless. Facing the loss of my family, I did not want to quit drinking and I couldn’t imagine a life without alcohol.  But when I found my end, I found hope and here I am today able to write about being sober for 3 years. 

How did it happen?  During the summer of 2017, I got to the point where I had no choice but to give up on myself.  I didn’t realize it at the time but the Lord was slowly changing me.  Initially leading me to confess to my closest friends and family and trust them with my secret.  Accepting the help that was being offered from friends and family.  Convincing me to agree to attend counseling.  Humbling me to accept offers to spend time together with my friends and family so I didn’t have to be alone.  These small steps moved me closer to Jesus, where I found hope.  That hope motivated additional small steps such as committing to start each day with prayer and Bible reading. 

I would encourage anyone struggling with an addiction to take one small step towards recovery.   Whatever step you take: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight” Proverbs 3:5-6. 

I referenced this in my last post.  I read it yesterday morning during my devotionals and feel it expresses what I’m trying to say about moving from a life of hopelessness to a life of hope.

 New Morning Mercies

A Daily Gospel Devotional – Paul David Tripp

True faith lives on the basis of two unshakable realities — that God really does exist and that he always rewards those who seek him.

Grace has positioned me on two foundation stones that have redefined my identity, redirected my purpose, reshaped my desires, rescued my thoughts, and reformed my living.  I have new reason to get up in the morning and face my day with courage, hope, joy, confidence, and rest.  Your grace has changed everything, for it has made me sure that you exist and that you reward those who seek you (Heb. 11:6).

Grace changes us, changed me from a life of chains and addictions to a life of peace and freedom – hopelessness to hope. Thank you Jesus!

OTHER BLOG STUFF – Songs and Quotes…

The Father’s House

Cory Asbury

Sometimes on this journey
I get lost in my mistakes
What looks to me like weakness
Is a canvas for your strength
And my story isn’t over
My story’s just begun
And failure won’t define me
‘Cause that’s what my Father does
Yeah, failure won’t define me
‘Cause that’s what my Father does

Ooh, lay your burdens down
Ooh, here in the Father’s house
Check your shame at the door
‘Cause it ain’t welcome anymore
Ooh, you’re in the Father’s house

Arrival’s not the end game
The journey’s where you are
You never wanted perfect
You just wanted my heart
And the story isn’t over
If the story isn’t good
And failure’s never final
When the Father’s in the room
And failure’s never final
When the Father’s in the room

Ooh, lay your burdens down
Ooh, here in the Father’s house
Check your shame at the door
‘Cause it ain’t welcome anymore
Ooh, you’re in the Father’s house

Yeah, you’re in the Father’s house
Yeah-yeah

Prodigals come home
The helpless find hope
Love is on the move
When the Father’s in the room
Prison doors fling wide
The dead come to life
Love is on the move
When the Father’s in the room
Miracles take place
The cynical find faith
And love is breaking through
When the Father’s in the room

The Jericho walls are quaking
Strongholds now are shaking
Love is breaking through
When the Father’s in the room
I said, love is breaking through
When the Father’s in the room

Ooh, lay your burdens down
Ooh, here in the Father’s house
Check your shame at the door
‘Cause it ain’t welcome anymore
Ooh, you’re in the Father’s house

Yeah, lay your burdens down
Ooh, here in the Father’s house
Check your shame at the door
(Welcome anymore)
Ooh, you’re in the Father’s house

QUOTES

“Time with God can combat hopelessness.  It moves our attention from the circumstances to the Father’s great love for us.”

In Touch devotional, Charles Stanley

“Optimism is psychological; hope is theological.  Optimism focuses on what you think you can do.  Hope trusts what God can do.”

rick warren

Until next time I’m thankful for the Scars, may God Bless You!

KB

STRUGGLES

May 2, 2020 /

With recovery comes regret, shame, and pain. This process has caused me to face things that I have done and hurts that I have caused. They are things that I can’t take back or undo and I struggle with them often. It is possible that I always will…I don’t really know. 

I have many others struggles as well.  I think I’ve written in a previous post how much it frustrates me that I forget what the Lord has taught me and that He has to reteach me.  You might think that, after all the pain and regret alcohol has caused me, I would never consider drinking again.  I have days like that, but I also have days when I think it wouldn’t hurt to have a beer or a glass of wine.  There are other days when I think about drinking a lot more than that, turning to alcohol instead of turning to the Lord when I’m facing difficult circumstances.

I am reminded of two little phrases that help me with these battles, the relearning.

“Constant Redirection”

“Holy Discontentment”

Life for me has become a series of “Constant Redirection”.  As I’m tempted or tested, I have to constantly redirect my thoughts and attitudes toward Jesus.  That means reminding myself of the promises we have in scripture, that means prayer instead of worry and anxiety.  I’m re-learning things every day, I’ve got a long way to go.  To borrow a phrase from the world of sports, I’m trying to “trust the process,” the process of coming to know Jesus better on a daily basis.

“Holy Discontentment” is a phrase I heard from Matt Chandler. Although I can’t explain it the way he can, to me it means simply the idea of not being satisfied with what I know about Jesus.  It’s always wanting more of Him, to know Him more, to know Him better.   If you’re interested, here’s a good YouTube video where he touches on it:

UNSHAKABLE REALITIES

God is bigger than everything that comes my way in this world.  I read the following devotion exactly one year after I committed to quit drinking, and it expresses this truth.

September 26th (2018)

True faith lives on the basis of two unshakable realities—that God really does exist and that he always rewards those who seek him.

Grace has positioned me on two foundation stones that have redefined my identity, redirected my purpose, reshaped my desires, rescued my thoughts, and reformed my living.  I have new reason to get up in the morning and face my day with courage, hope, joy, confidence, and rest.  Your grace has changed everything, for it has made me sure that you exist and that you reward those who seek you (Heb. 11:6).

There’s a line from a song by Elias Dummer that I love, he says: “With nothing, I still have everything Jesus, you are enough for me”.  A Bible verse I’ve been praying lately is Zephaniah 3:17 where it is written: “The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save…..”.

He is enough. Thankfully He has been, He is and He always will be in my midst. He has saved me from addiction, He has saved me from myself.

In my darkest days, He has provided me with the courage, hope, joy, confidence and rest that was needed to fight through the darkness.  Without a doubt His grace has reshaped my desires, rescued my thoughts and reformed my living.  I mentioned in a previous entry how when I was drinking I often “planned” my drinking for the evenings or weekends, when and how I would drink as much as possible without appearing to have a problem.  Thankfully that way of living is gone.  My living continues to be reformed and by faith I intend to seek him daily.  He truly does reward those who seek Him, I’ve experienced those rewards in so many ways.

OTHER BLOG STUFF – Songs and Quotes…

Keep Making Me

Sidewalk Prophets

Make me broken
So I can be healed
‘Cause I’m so calloused
And now I can’t feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken

Make me empty
So I can be filled
‘Cause I’m still holding
Onto my will
And I’m completed
When you are with me
Make me empty

‘Til you are my one desire
‘Til you are my one true love
‘Til you are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me

Make me lonely
So I can be yours
‘Til I want no one
More than You, lord
‘Cause in the darkness
I know you will hold me
Make me lonely

‘Til you are my one desire
‘Til you are my one true love
‘Til you are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me

‘Til you are my one desire
‘Til you are my one true love
‘Til you are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making
I know you keep making
Lord, please keep making me

QUOTE

Most of the grand truths of God have to be learned by trouble; they must be burned into us with the hot iron of affliction, otherwise we shall not truly receive them.

Charles Spurgeon

Until next time I’m thankful for the Scars, may God Bless You!

KB

WITH GOD

March 15, 2020 /

I’ve come to the day in my journal entry sharing that I was prepared to quit drinking. It was a day that the Lord had known from the beginning, before my birth this day 47 years prior. And in his grace, he gave me a glimpse of his sovereignty, presence, and plan. A coincidence of dates maybe, but I know differently.

 Wednesday September 27th 2017 
 
Max Lucado devotional for today:  “Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say. . .“It is Well with My Soul!”

I was led to a book yesterday Coming Clean by Seth Haines.  It’s more of a diary from what I can tell so far about Seth’s getting sober and beating (I think) alcohol addiction.  The Chapters are dates and the first Chapter is dated September 26th, I choose to believe that is not a coincidence and God wants me to read this book.  I pray this morning for God to help me hear whatever it is I need to hear/learn from this book.  Praise the Lord!

A week or so later I decided to reach out to Seth Haines (the author) and sent him the following email:

 I am recovering from alcohol addiction; this is my 9th day of not drinking. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. 

 I started going to a Christian counselor on July 12th XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX and have gone every week since. We took an approach of gradual decrease in drinking with the goal of abstinence. I had recently decided I would stop drinking on my birthday September 27th.  I was led to your book last Tuesday (Sept 26th) and was stunned when I opened up my Kindle app and saw chapter 1 dated September 26th!!! One of many examples of God’s great love and timing I’ve experienced over the past 2+ months. I just last night read the Chapter where you talk about your counseling experience going from feeling awkward to looking forward to it, very much the same experience I’ve had. I have not had a sick child, however many of the other things you’ve experienced have been nearly identical to what I’ve experienced. I can’t begin to tell you how much I’ve appreciated this book; I look forward to reading it each night before bed. I truly believe this book has been a gift from God that I received at exactly the right time.

 Yesterday I talked with my counselor about my struggle to share my story with others. To this point only a few close friends and my parents are aware that I had a problem. I still struggle with being embarrassed and ashamed about my past (I realize this is the enemy). She is encouraging me to share and experience the freedom she believes it will give me. I know she’s right and I’m working through getting past my shame, I will get there.

 Anyway I Praise God for your book and wanted to thank you.

(Seth Haines released his second book in January – “The Book of Waking Up”, I’m close to finishing it up.  I highly recommend both of these books, Seth has a unique gifted way of writing that really speaks to me.)

This is a great reminder to me of God’s PERFECT timing.  It was as if God was saying, in case you doubt Kurtis, I’m here with you and I always will be.  He has been with me each and every day and continues to be with me and I NEED Him.  Joshua 1:9 (NIV) says:

A command and a promise that is so true.  With God my weakness becomes strength!  With God He turns my fears into courage!  Today (03/14/20) is 900 days since I quit drinking, no way I would have ever had the strength to do this without God, no way I could have had the courage to confess and share my story without God.  It’s His strength that has sustained me and will continue to do so the rest of my life.  

DIVINE SOBRIETY

Seth Haines has a section in “The Book of Waking Up” called What is Sobriety?  He gives us some ideas on what scripture says about being sober:

117. IT’S ALL ABOUT ORDERING OUR LOVES

“To be sober—what does it mean but to be awake to all our coping mechanisms, even our transfer addictions?  What is true sobriety if not ensuring that we’re seeking God for the things only he can give and that we’re using the pleasures of the world as he intended.  This is the message of the Scriptures: Love the Lord your God first; love your neighbor as much as you love yourself—and by implication, love everything else under that (Matt. 22:37-38).  Sobriety is all about ordering our affections, ours loves.  It’s about being awake to God in every moment, even the moments of our pain, and fixing our adoration to him.  It’s a call that can be seen throughout the Scriptures………” 
138. THIS IS DIVINE SOBRIETY 

“See?  For Jesus it wasn’t all about the rules, the dos and do-nots.  He knew we could just say no to drugs, refrain from overdrinking, and put site blockers on our website browsers and still be asleep to God’s love.  All the rules in the world won’t lead us into a life of diving sobriety.  So the way I see it, the sobriety Jesus preached is marked by three characteristics:

1. Being so incorporated into the Divine Love of God that every created thing (bread, wine, even pain) draws us ever deeper into that love

2. Letting go of the created things we’re prone to use as substitutes for the healing, resurrecting, life-giving, restoring Divine Love

3. Pushing into the Divine Love through eating his body, drinking his blood, walking as he walked, praying as prayed, loving as he loved, blessing as he blessed”

I want more than just being “sober”, I seek this Divine Sobriety that Seth is talking about.  I want to see God in all the created things of this world – not turn them into coping mechanisms or worse, addictions and idles.

My prayer for myself and anyone who might be struggling with alcohol or any addiction would be that we would seek God in our struggles.  I pray that He will give us the strength and courage to overcome the chains of addiction.  May our affections be ordered so that we will always be awake to God in every moment.  As Seth said, may we let go of the created things we’re prone to use, restoring the Divine Love of God!

OTHER BLOGG STUFF – Songs and Quotes…

LORD, I NEED YOU by Matt Maher 

Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You’re the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
Where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

So teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
When I cannot stand I’ll fall on You
Jesus, You’re my hope and stay

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

You’re my one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

The world is filled with God’s glory. You can’t turn without bumping into it.

R. C. Sproul

Until next time I’m thankful for the Scars, may God Bless You!

KB

760 days and counting …

September 27, 2019 /

How does a recovering alcoholic get to a point where he can say “it was good for me to be afflicted” or I’m thankful for the scars?  For me it has been simply through the grace of God! 

Romans 6:22-23 (MSG)

But now that you've found you don't have to listen to sin tell you what to do, and have discovered the delight of listening to God telling you, what a surprise!  A whole, healed, put-together life right now, with more and more of life on the way!  Work hard for sin your whole life and your pension is death.  But God's gift is real life, eternal life, delivered by Jesus, our Master.

Who am I?

My name is Kurtis Bunfill, I’m not a writer, I’m not highly educated and I’m not exactly sure what I’m doing 🙂 . But I do know I want to share what the Lord has done for me. As the verse above says I’ve learned I don’t have to listen to sin and discovered delight in listening to God. This way of living is truly a gift from God and is “real life” leading to eternal life.

Over the past 2+ years I’ve been shown the value of the body of Christ and how through prayer, confession and fellowship with other believers I could be set free from my of sin of addiction.

Alcohol controlled my life, it was and idol for me and nearly destroyed me. From alcohol.org:

What is a Functioning Alcoholic?

The stereotype of an alcoholic as someone who has hit rock bottom and has become homeless due to alcohol abuse is often quite accurate. However, not all alcoholics become unable to function physically or in society.  The functioning alcoholic manages to appear normal and sober and in some cases even achieves success in high-powered career field, all while consuming larger and larger amounts of alcohol on a daily basis.

That is a pretty good description of who I was. I had a good job, I coached my kids sports teams, attended Church regularly, pretty much functioned normally or so it appeared. From the outside looking in I most likely did not appear to have a problem with alcohol. However, what others didn’t see was the amount of alcohol I consumed pretty much ever night. No one was aware of the hidden stashes I had in my basement and often times in my vehicle. No one including myself knew the control that alcohol had over me.

Prayer for this blog

My Father in Heaven I thank you for your love, your grace and your mercy. I thank you for my brothers and sisters in Christ who have helped me get to this point. I praise you and thank you for giving me this opportunity to praise you through the sharing of my story. I ask that by sharing I would honor you and show others how great your love is for all of us. I ask this is Jesus’ name – Amen!

September 27th 2019

Today will be 760 days (2 years) since I drank my last beer or consumed any alcohol. It’s been a long journey to get to the point where I’m able to publicly share my story. I have struggled and continue to struggle at times with the shame of my past but in faith I believe the Lord can and will use my story to help others with similar problems.

Morning Devotionals

Part of my morning routine is to read a devotional written by Paul David Tripp and I’d like to share a couple of paragraphs from his devotionals related to my identity in Christ and God’s grace. These truths based on scripture have helped me get over the mistakes of my past and have allowed me to get to the point of starting this blog.

Paul David Tripp on Eternal Identity and Grace

TRIPP on ETERNAL IDENTITY: The gospel of Jesus Christ frees me from seeking my identity horizontally because I am given an eternal identity in Christ.  It also frees me from being worried about being known or exposed because I know that nothing could ever be exposed about me that hasn’t already been covered by the precious blood of Jesus.

TRIPP on GRACE: You see, when you’ve done something wrong, it’s not natural to look inside yourself for the cause.  Sin makes us all shockingly self-righteous.  It makes us all committed self-excusers.  Somehow, some way, we all buy into the delusion that our biggest problems live outside us, not inside us.  We all have very active inner lawyers, who rise to our defense in the face of any accusation of wrong.  We are all very skilled at presenting the logic of the argument that what we have done says more about the flawed people and dysfunctional things around us than it does about us.  When our consciences bother us because of the faithful convicting ministry of the Holy Spirit, we are all tempted to dodge blame by locating the cause elsewhere.  We all tend to be much more concerned about the sin of others than we are about our own but, John says, “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us” (1 John 1:8).

Because accepting blame is not natural, it takes rescuing, transforming grace to produce a humble, willing, broken, self-examining, help-seeking heart.  Only divine grace can soften a person’s heart.  Only grace can help your eyes to see what you need to see.  Only grace can decimate your defenses and lead you to confess.  Only grace can cause you to quit pointing your finger and to run to your Redeemer for his forgiveness and delivering power.  Only grace can enable you to forsake your own righteousness and find your hope and rest in the righteousness of another.  Only grace can make you more grieved over your sin than about the sins of others.  Only grace can make you accept your need for grace.  Only grace can cause you and me to abandon our confidence in our own performance and place our confidence in the perfectly acceptable righteousness of Jesus Christ.  Only grace can cause us to put our hope in the only place where hope can be found – in God and God alone.

What’s Next?

Over the next several weeks I will be sharing some of my experiences, my learning both good and bad, of where I was, where the Lord has led me and where He continues to lead me. My hope is to show how God through His Grace has changed me from being a “committed self-excuser”. I was someone who didn’t believe he had a major sin and heart problem. God’s Grace has led me to put my hope in the only place where hope can be found – in God and God alone. This Grace has softened my heart, opened my eyes to see what I needed to see and led me to confession which continues today as I start this blog. Grace led me to run to my Redeemer for his forgiveness and his delivering power.

Other Blog Stuff – Songs and Quotes…

Christian Music has been a major part of my journey these past 2 years, each post I plan to share a song with you that has impacted me in some way, so here goes……

Scars by I Am They

Waking up to a new sunrise
Looking back from the other side
I can see now with open eyes
Darkest water and deepest pain
I wouldn’t trade it for anything
‘Cause my brokenness brought me to You
And these wounds are a story You’ll use


So I’m thankful for the scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And I know they’ll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars


Now I’m standing in confidence
With the strength of Your faithfulness
And I’m not who I was before
No, I don’t have to fear anymore


So I’m thankful for the scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And I know they’ll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars


I can see, I can see
How You delivered me
In Your hands, In Your feet
I found my victory
I can see, I can see
How You delivered me
In Your hands, In Your feet
I found my victory


I’m thankful for Your scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And with my life I’ll tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful
I’m thankful for the scars


‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And I know they’ll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars
So forever I am thankful for the scars

Quote

“God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons that we could learn no other way.”

C.S. Lewis

Until next time, I’m thankful for the scars, may God Bless you!

KB

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