In this dark world of pain and suffering I sometimes struggle to see any good, to see any light. It’s so easy for me to get caught up in myself, what I perceive to be my greatest needs. That in turn causes me to live with doubt, live in fear, live without the hope that Jesus gives us.
I keep trying to find a life On my own apart from You
Why do I do this? Why can’t I give everything to the Lord?
I am the king of excuses I’ve got one for every selfish thing I do
The selfishness of pride still rages inside of me. I’m needy and I do make excuses for myself.
What’s going on inside of me I despise my own behavior
Why? Why? Why? I often have such sinful thoughts and desires and I can’t explain them. I can’t rid myself of them.
This only serves to confirm my suspicion That I’m still a man in need of a savior
I see my need for Jesus, I see my need for a Savior. I don’t know where I’d be or where I’d go without Him
I wanna be in the light as You are in the light I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
There is peace in the light, when I’m with Jesus there is such great peace, hope and joy. Why would I want to be anywhere else? I want to shine and show the love of Jesus to everyone.
Oh Lord be my Light and be my salvation All I want is to be in the light Oh all I want is to be in the light
Remind me Jesus, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute who my salvation is. Help me to stay in You and in the Light
The disease of self runs through my blood It’s a cancer fatal to my soul
I know the answer but yet I still am selfish, I still am prideful, I still hurt those I love. The sin inside me is lethal and I am helpless against it in my own strength.
Every attempt on my behalf has failed To bring this sickness under control
I fail time and time again to stop this behavior, to stop sinful thoughts. In my own strength I continue to fail.
What’s going on inside of me I despise my own behavior
How did I get here again? Why do I hurt those I love? Why do I make it all about me?
This only serves to confirm my suspicion That I’m still a man in need of a savior
I need Jesus more than ever, He is the answer. He is the only answer and the answer to everything. Without Jesus I’m lost, I’m addicted, I’m hopeless.
I wanna be in the light as You are in the light I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Jesus protects me, Jesus calls me to walk with him in the light.
Oh Lord be my Light and be my salvation All I want is to be in the light Oh all I want is to be in the light
I call on Jesus and he is always near and quick to answer. He pulls me back into the light when I seek Him. I want to be in the light!
Honesty becomes me There’s nothing left to lose The secrets that did run me In Your presence are defused Pride has no position And riches have no worth The fame that once did cover me Has been sentenced to Earth Has been sentenced to Earth
I’m a stranger in this world, my home is in heaven. I need Jesus, I need the truth of the gospel. Nothing, nothing in the world satisfies me like Jesus and I long to be with Him in eternity.
What’s going on inside of me I despise my own behavior
Each day I have a choice to make. Do I listen to the lies I hear from the enemy? Do I focus on the darkness in the world? Why does this choice have to be made? Why does the struggle continue?
This only serves to confirm my suspicion That I’m still a man in need of a savior
I can’t do it alone, I need a Savior – I need Jesus!
I wanna be in the light as You are in the light I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens Oh Lord be my Light and be my salvation All I want is to be in the light Oh all I want is to be in the light All I want is to be in the light
Jesus is the light of the world!
Again Jesus spoke to them, saying “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”
John 8:12 (ESV)
May we all walk in the light of Jesus. God bless You!
I recently accompanied the youth group that I’m involved in on their mission trip to a group work camp. The theme of the week was FORGED. Like the metalworking process, God forges us, shapes us, and transforms us through life’s journey. Most of us spend the majority of our lives in comfortable seasons of hope. But we all go through suffering. All of us. We aren’t expecting it when it happens, but it is guaranteed to be a part of life. We learned that suffering is part of the Circle of Hope. God gives us the gift of hope. Whenever we face difficult times yet persevere, we will learn & grow stronger. God promises that.
My Grandfather passed away early the day after we returned from the Mission Trip. I’m reminded of the impact my grandparents have had on my life. When I was a young boy, around 11 or 12 my grandparents asked me if I wanted to be saved. I said that I did and we went into their bedroom to read scripture and they helped me pray and invite Jesus into my heart.
The day Jesus saved me was one of the most hopeful times of my life. I felt prepared to do or face anything. What I didn’t realize at the time was that this circle that we learned about is real and I was not prepared for it.
The way the week’s programs and devotions were written forced us to reflect on our journeys.
Sunday – HOPE
Monday – Suffering, it’s a part of the journey
Tuesday – Suffering produces perseverance
Wednesday – Perseverance produces character
Thursday – Character produces HOPE
Friday – Forge ahead
As I thought about my time between being saved as a young boy up until 5 or 6 years ago I saw how much of my journey was spent wandering, attempting to find my way, making a lot of bad decisions, heading down the wrong path.
It seems there are different types of suffering, the kind that happens to us (losing a loved one, getting sick, etc.) and the kind that is the result of our sin and decisions we have made.
The circle I was reflecting on included much suffering as a result of my sin of addiction. As I’ve written previously, this has been very painful. My sin resulted in suffering for not only myself but caused suffering for my family and for my children. It caused suffering that we all feel today and suffering that I’m sure to feel for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, I can’t change that.
Here’s what Tish Harrison writes about suffering in her book Prayer in the Night: For those Who Work or Watch or Weep:
Suffering strips away the self. This sounds terribly painful, and it is. But the meaning and object of suffering isn’t pain; it is to learn to give and receive love. God isn’t a sadist who delights in using agony to teach us a lesson. But in the alchemy of redemption, God can take what is only sorrow and transform it into the very path by which we learn to love God and let ourselves be loved. This is the strange (and usually unwanted) way of abundant life – the dying necessary to bring resurrection. Scott Cairns writes, “The hard way is pretty much the only way that most of us manage to learn anything. Affliction, suffering, and pain are – even if they are nothing else – remarkably effective.”
If I’m being completely honest, as Cairns wrote, the only way I was going to learn was the hard way. The reality that I was possibly going to lose everything I loved is what it took to get my attention. That’s embarrassing to admit, shameful – but it’s true.
But the beauty of the gospel and God’s love for us is that God uses all suffering to produce something in us if we let him. Jesus is Hope and that is something I’ve been extremely blessed to have experienced.
On the way home from the Mission Trip I heard Austin French’s song Jesus Can. Wow! What a great description of what I’ve experienced in recovery:
Everybody’s got that hurt they wished that never happened. Everybody’s got that pain they wish they could undo. But wounds become scars & scars become stories – and when it comes to the story of you – who turns a broken dream into a life redeemed? Who can turn your worst defeat into your victory? Who saw me where was and led me where I stand? My life is living proof that only Jesus can.
Jesus took my worst defeat, redeemed me and now I have victory and hope in Jesus. He can do the same for you! My Hope on the Mission Trip and anytime I’m given the opportunity to share my story is that it will help others to see the Hope we always have in Jesus.
Crew 17 and 18
To the crews I spent the week with on this Mission Trip. As this was my first mission trip I wasn’t sure what to expect. I am so thankful for each and every one of you, it was truly a blessing to spend the week with each of you. The love you showed to me as I shared was amazing. I miss working with you and especially miss our devotional and prayer time together. May we always remember what we learned about Hope during our time together and I pray for God’s blessings over you and your families.
OTHER BLOG STUFF – Songs and Quotes…
HOLD ON
Song by Katy Nichole
Smoke clouds All around Couldn’t see Your face Darkness consumed me Stuck in the bitterness
But I know there’s a light That’s waiting up ahead So I’ll stay in the fight And look to the One who said
Hold on just a little bit longer I know it’s gonna be okay These days are gonna make you stronger You’ll find purpose in the pain Hold on just a little bit longer Deep down there’s a well of faith Let hope arise as you’re lifting up My name And just hold on Just hold on, hold on
Your promise It still stands It’s chasing after me The rainbow Through storm clouds Is how I’m gonna see
That there is a light That’s waiting up ahead So I’ll stay in the fight And look to the One who said
Hold on just a little bit longer I know it’s gonna be okay These days are gonna make you stronger You’ll find purpose in the pain Hold on just a little bit longer Deep down there’s a well of faith Let hope arise as you’re lifting up My name And just hold on Hold on, hold on
Just wait ’til you see what’s at the end of the road A new life is ready to unfold
Hold on just a little bit longer I know it’s gonna be okay These days are gonna make you stronger You’ll find purpose in the pain Hold on just a little bit longer Deep down there’s a well of faith Let hope arise as you’re lifting up My name And just hold on Hold on, hold on Just hold on Just hold on
We ought to give thanks for all fortune; if it is good, because it is good, if bad, because it works in us patience, humility and the contempt of this world and the hope of our eternal country.
We’ve been studying the book of Peter in our weekly Bible study at Church. 1 Peter 2:9 is a verse that speaks to me having spent much of my life living in the darkness. Living in the darkness of addiction meant lying to myself, lying to others and keeping secrets from most everyone. Secrets are kept in the darkness, so that’s where I stayed. As I’ve written before I had a good job, coached baseball, basketball and softball. I attended church regularly and at times was actively involved in the Church. I was “functional” in the world and in front of others but I was living a lie in darkness for the most part.
During bedtime devotionals with my wife and 3 step-sons we’ve been working our way through Genesis. Genesis 19 tells the story of God saving Lot from the destruction of Sodom. Angels warned Lot the city of Sodom where Lot was living was about to be destroyed and to get his family and leave immediately. It’s not clear why but it says Lot hesitated, some translations say he hesitated and lingered. Why did Lot want to stay in the darkness? Was there something holding him back? Because of this hesitation the angels took hold of him and his family and took them out of the city (out of the darkness) to save them.
As I’ve been considering this story I’ve seen a parallel to my life. Sin, in my case addiction to alcohol was so powerful in my life that I couldn’t see life beyond alcohol. I didn’t see a need to quit and didn’t want to or believe I could quit. I felt trapped in the darkness and couldn’t see a way out to the light. I wonder how many times God started to pull me out and I fought Him to stay/linger in the darkness over the years of my addiction. It’s painful to think about, it’s maddening to think how long I chose to ignore the light and stay in the darkness.
Marvelous Light
A couple in our Church recently performed an Ellie Holcomb song – Marvelous Light (lyrics below). I fell in love with the song and discovered on Ellie’s’ blog that it was inspired by a character in an Andrew Peterson book (The Wingfeather Saga). The character Podo Helmer had spent most of his life hiding his past. One day his secrets are exposed in front of the very people he was trying to hide them from. Ellie says that after this intense seen Andrew writes the following about Podo:
“He moved through the days in peace and wonder, for his whole story had been told for the first time, and he found that he was still loved.” (North or Be Eaten!, p.321)
When we follow God out of the darkness and into the light He is always with us, He is always faithful.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will cover me, And the night will be the only light around me,” Even the darkness is not dark to You and conceals nothing from You, But the night shines as bright as the day; Darkness and light are alike to You.
Psalm 139:11-12
I recently participated in leadership training at work. One of our assignments was to share in 2 minutes or less something we had achieved and what the lesson was in that achievement. I was struggling to decide what to speak about and at the last minute settled on overcoming my addiction. I started by saying I would share one of my greatest failures (addiction) and greatest accomplishments (overcoming addiction) which I shared the best I could in 2 minutes. Some of the participants in the training knew of my past and some did not. Each time I have shared how the Lord saved me from myself I feel His love. I also have received and this time was no different love and support from those I share with.
Sometimes we need God to pull us out of the darkness. Thankfully I eventually saw enough light to allow God to pull me out of my darkness. He is faithful and continues to draw me to Him, to His light and His love.
May we all live in His peace and see how much we are loved by the One who is Light!
OTHER BLOG STUFF – Songs and Quotes…
Marvelous Light
Song by Ellie Holcomb
I am not who I once was Defined by all the things I’ve done Afraid my shame would be exposed Afraid of really being known But then you gave my heart a home
So I walked out of the darkness and into the light From fear of shame into the hope of life Mercy called my name and made a way to fly Out of the darkness and into the light
With years of keeping secrets safe Wondering if I could change ‘Cause when you’re hiding all alone Your heart can turn into a stone And that’s not the way I want to go
So I walk out of the darkness and into the light From fear of shame into the hope of life Mercy called my name and made a way to fly Out of the darkness and into the light
There’s no place I would rather be Your light is Marvelous Your light is Marvelous
You have come to set us free You are Marvelous Your light is Marvelous
So I walked out of the darkness and into the light From fear of shame into the hope of life Mercy called my name and made a way to fly Out of the darkness and into the light
The purpose of the darkness is not to punish or to afflict us. It is to set us free. It is a divine appointment, a privileged opportunity to draw close to the divine center.
We recently returned from a family vacation to Florida. My parents took all of our family – there were 11 of us total. In addition to my wife and I, my son and daughter (with boyfriend), sister, brother-in-law and 2 nephews were all able to make it. We were blessed to be able to stay in a beautiful area at a beautiful condo and the Lord blessed us with beautiful weather, as well. All the makings for a joyful, wonderful trip. Instead I found myself down (depression?), again struggling with regrets about my past.
SPIRITUAL WARFARE
One morning on vacation as I was working out and listening to music I noticed that nearly every song seemed to speak to me. They were all about finding peace in Jesus. As I was listening, I sensed the Holy Spirit telling me that I was depressed and urging me to battle, to fight. I immediately became aware that when these feelings come on I tend to shut down and wallow in self-pity. Opposite of what we are told to do:
Being told to battle awakened me and I’m so thankful for the message I received. Despite knowing that I will continue to have temptations to shut down and feel sorry for myself I am reminded that I need to put on “God’s armor” and battle. Ephesians 6:13 tells us to “use every piece of God’s armor to resist the enemy.” I will remember the Lord’s truths and the Good News that gives us peace. I will exercise my faith, use the sword of the Spirit (Word of God) and I will pray. Pray without ceasing until I win the battle.
GET OUT OF THE BOAT
Before I can start these battles I need to “get out of the boat”. Let me explain….
During vacation the college softball world series was often on in our cabana by the pool or while we were gathered in our condos. The Oklahoma Sooners wound up winning it all, so we had the opportunity to watch them a few times. I noticed their players making a rowing motion and screaming something into the dugout each time they got on base. I had no idea what that was all about but when I returned home I saw video on Facebook where Jordy Bahl (freshman pitcher) explained it:
What a great message and visual for me! I can attempt to battle in my own strength, that might work for the short term but it won’t win the battle. To win the battle I need to get out of the boat (WHAT IS THE BOAT FOR YOU? SELF-PITTY? DEPRESSION??), put on the armor of God and fix my eyes on Jesus. That’s the formula to win the battle.
I couldn’t see it then, but I believe it now Just a searching soul tired of reaching out Stuck on the tracks, train bearing down Screaming from my lungs, ” Who will save me now?”
As the reruns of the regrets, they replay inside my head Got the devil on my shoulder, and he’s leaving me for dead Whispers and lies have brought me here Flooding my veins with doubt and fear
Oh, I I could not see it then Oh, I I could not see
Oh, my God I remember when I cried Shook my fists up at the sky I wondered why You felt so far from me
Oh, God It was in my deepest pain That I heard You call my name I heard You say That You were right there with me
I couldn’t see it then, but I believe it now Trying to hold my head up when the ground fell out I felt all alone even in a crowd Like a sinking stone dragging my heart down
And the weight of the sorrows I carried on my chest It kept pulling me under, and I couldn’t catch my breath Not how I thought my life would go Didn’t know my heart could sink this low
No, I I could not see it then No, I I could not see it
Oh, my God I remember when I cried Shook my fists up at the sky I wondered why You felt so far from me
Oh, God It was in my deepest pain That I heard You call my name I heard You say That You were right there with me
Love was standing there Holding me But I couldn’t see That love was always there He carried me And now, I believe
Oh, my God I know You heard me when I cried ‘Cause You were right there by my side I realized That You have never left me
Oh, God It was in my deepest pain That I heard You call my name I heard You say That You were right there with me
I couldn’t see it then (I could not see it) But now I believe (now I believe) I couldn’t see it then (I could not see it) But now I believe (now I believe) (I could not see, now I believe) But now I believe
Now I believe (I could not see, now I believe) (I could not see, now I believe)
QUOTE
When we depend upon organizations, we get what organizations can do; when we depend upon man, we get what man can do; but when we depend upon prayer, we get what God can do.
A.C. Dixon
Until next time I’m thankful for the Scars, may God Bless You!
I’d like to write a bit about why I’ve felt led to share my story. Very early on in my counseling I had a strong desire to help others (if I could) who were struggling with addiction. So it’s something I’ve prayed about a lot. Over the past several months I’ve had a lot of ideas on different things I might do but never took any action. I had hoped that if I prayed enough, God would give me a clear sign of what He’d have me do. While I certainly believe this is possible (there are countless examples in scripture) I don’t think it’s the norm. I think sometimes God wants us simply to take action in faith. That’s what I’ve attempted to do by starting this blog, acted in my belief that God can use my experience in some way to help others.
The Purpose Drive Life book by Rick Warren speaks to this. In Warren’s MEDITATIONS on the PURPOSE-DRIVEN LIFE, which I include in my morning devotionals from time to time, he talks about how God uses experiences to shape us for service:
EXPERIENCES are one of the most important things God uses to shape you for service. There are five kinds of experience God uses:
Family experiences–interactions with parents, children, spouses, and anyone you call family.
Vocational experiences–everything you learn on the job, from skills to getting along with others.
Educational experiences–times of learning throughout your life, from elementary school to continuing discovery as an adult.
Spiritual experiences–those special moments of incredible closeness with God, when you discover something new about who he is and who you are in him.
But most important of all:
Painful experiences–disappointments, hurts, and sorrows cause you to lean heavily on God, and develop empathy in your heart for the hurts of others.
Painful experiences are hard to understand. We ask God, “Why me?”
But…
Who can better help the parents of a handicapped child than other parents of a handicapped child?
Who can better help somebody going through the pain of divorce than somebody else who has gone through one?
Who can better help an alcoholic than somebody who has struggled with alcoholism?
Often, the very problem that you struggle most with in life, the very thing you like the least about yourself or your circumstances, the very experience that you’re most embarrassed and ashamed of, is the tool God wants to use in you to bless, encourage, and minister to others. God uses not just our strengths. He also uses our weaknesses.
I’ve read those two pages of that book many times. Clearly it speaks to me and my desire to help others. In my own strength I’m not sure I can do much for anyone but, with Jesus and His power who knows what can happen?
Until next time, I’m thankful for the scars, may God Bless you!
Two years in and there continues to be new “sober firsts”. First going out to dinner without drinks, first weekend, first travel softball tournament, first golf outing to name a few. This past weekend, first wedding reception where alcohol was served without partaking. After two years of sobriety, I continue to battle fears of not being able to enjoy myself without alcohol and how others will react to the new me. One of the strategies I’ve tried to use to help with this comes from Sober Mercies by Heather Kopp (check it out my Books on Addiction Page):
Dedicate Your Relinquishments:
What I mean by this is, turn your choice to abstain into a sacrifice you make for God. This last tip only makes sense if you have a personal God, I admit. But if I had to choose one idea that helped me most, it might be this.
Early in recovery, the sight of others enjoying drinking pained me – even if I pretended otherwise.
One afternoon, I found myself with Dave at a party where everyone was imbibing. Standing there with my iced tea, I wanted a glass of wine so deeply it hurt. Then something I’d read earlier that day by Gerald May came to mind. He’d written about how we can imbue our suffering with meaning and purpose by dedicating our relinquishments back to God.
At the time, it sounded like mumbo jumbo. But that afternoon, something clicked. What if I could not drink, “unto God?” What if I could view my choice to abstain as a sacrifice of love, instead of just suffering for nothing?
I shut my eyes and prayed a short prayer, dedicating my thirst and pain back to God. Almost immediately, my perspective shifted. I was no longer a deprived person at a party. I was participating in a spiritual practice.
I had a strange calm at the reception, a peace. Perhaps this is evidence that my perspective is shifting. The water was good😃, the food was good (especially the desert bar) and the fellowship was great! And what a cool place for a reception, kangaroo right outside:
AUGUST 2017 and GOD’S PROVIDENCE
I had completed a draft of this post before Church Wednesday evening October 23rd. It changed based on my experience on the 24th…………….
For the past year and half I’ve been taking online courses at Christian Leaders Institute and I’m currently enrolled in the Theology 1 course. Part of my lecture and reading today (10/24) was about God’s Providence. As I researched more about God’s Providence I came across this a couple of different times referenced by John Piper at desiringgod.org:
Let me close with one example from history that I think is so beautiful. This is Question 27 of the Heidelberg Catechism. The date on that is 1563.
Question: What do you understand by the providence of God?
Answer: The almighty, everywhere present power of God, whereby, as it were, by his hand, he still upholds heaven and earth with all creatures and so governs them that herbs and grass, rain and drought, fruitful and barren years, meat and drink, health and sickness, riches and poverty, indeed, all things come not by chance, but by his fatherly hand.
That’s a good summary of God’s providence: wise and purposeful sovereignty.
In my initial draft I had this journal entry and another one from August of 2017, wanting to move forward from the last entries I shared from Jun/Jul. I settled on sharing this entry from August 5th 2017:
Sunday August 5th
Sermon today on Gentleness, something I was certainly shown by XXXXXXXXXX this week when I went to see them. I realized during the sermon how little of that I’ve shown XXXXXXXXXXXXXX over the past years. Especially when I had been drinking I had a short fuse and was very quick to anger and lash out.
While walking after Church today and going back and forth on when/whether I should talk to XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX did a lot of thinking. Something that occurred to me is that I’m still struggling to admit what I’ve done, I don’t want to admit to myself that at times I chose alcohol over XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. I think not being able to admit it to myself is why it’s so hard to admit it or tell it to others.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX caused to me to fail in many areas of my life. However, what we heard this morning is Peter failed when he denied Jesus but Jesus was “gentle” with him and forgave him. Jesus changed Peter=Failure to Peter=Forgiven – I need to let Jesus change me from Kurtis=Failure to Kurtis=Forgiven.
Still catching up on my devotionals, I read July 21st and the prayer is very appropriate for where I’m at. “Pray that God will help you quickly acknowledge sin and not excuse it. Pray for patience to wait for His timing in the decision before you”.
I’ve mentioned Paul David Tripp previously; his New Morning Mercies devotional is part of how I start my day each morning. Here is the October 24th devotional:
God meets us where we are. This is the beautiful, hope-giving reality of grace. If God asked us to meet him where he is, we would all be damned. There is no better example of this than Jesus’s response to Peter after Peter’s denial:
If there’s someone on whom you would expect Jesus to turn his back forever, it would be Peter. How could he deny Jesus, even after being warned? Wasn’t that unforgivable? No! What Peter did was not a picture of the defeat of the cross. The opposite is true. Peter’s denial is a shockingly concrete picture of the essentiality of the cross of Jesus Christ. The life, death and resurrection of Jesus were necessary because we are people like Peter. We have no power in ourselves to be faithful, wise, good, and righteous. We cannot save ourselves. We are people in need of rescue. Without the rescue of grace, we are a danger to ourselves and to others, without hope and without God.
So in amazing condescending grace, God meets us where we are, just as he did with Peter. He comes to us in our fear. He draws near to us when we are separated. He meets us in our doubt. He pursues us when we wander. When we sin, he comes to us with conviction and forgiveness. He empowers us when we’re weak. He restores us when we are unfaithful. When we deny him, he does not deny us. He comes to us at the moment of our salvation, and he comes to us again and again as we journey from the “already” to the “not yet”. He sits down with us, assuring us again of his love, drawing out from us love for him, and sending us on our way to do the work he has chosen us to do. He does not wait for us to come to him; he comes to us. It is the way of grace.
So was it by chance that my journal entry, a sermon from August 2017 and the Tripp devotional all lined up this week (and my studies were on God’s Providence) as I attempted to complete this post? Nope, as the Catechism I referenced above says “all things come…… by his fatherly hand”.
I could dedicate blog after blog and give example after example
of this in my life during my recovery and yet each time it happens I am blown
away by it. Praise God for His
Providence!
God didn’t ask me to meet Him where He was, He met me where I was in 2017. Because of His mercy, what I had done and what I was doing wasn’t unforgivable. Jesus went to the cross for my sin, for my rescue, for my salvation. I needed to be rescued and I was through His amazing grace. Let us Praise Him that he doesn’t wait for us to come to Him!
OTHER BLOG STUFF – Songs and Quotes…
SURVIVOR by Zach Williams
For so long I carried the weight of my past Cripple by burdens like stones on my back I thought I had fallen too far from your grace
But you came and
showed me the way
When I was lost soul
searching
You were the ground beneath my feet
When I was blind man begging
You were the eyes so I could see
When the smoke was rising up
You were the air that I could breath
You gave me hope you gave me something to believe
Now I’m alive and born again Rescued from the grip of sin God your love came crashing in And pulled me out of the fire I’m a survivor
Now all I can see are
the fields of your grace
Wherever I run your leading the way
You shook the shackles off my feet
I found redemption on my knees
You gave me hope you gave me something to believe
Now I’m alive and born
again
Rescued from the grip of sin
God your love came crashing in
And pulled me out of the fire
I’m a survivor
Oh I’m a survivor
You’re my God
You’re my fighter
You make me a survivor
Now I’m alive and born again Rescued from the grip of sin God your love came crashing in And pulled me out of the fire I’m a survivor Oh I’m a survivor You pulled me out of the fire I’m a survivor
QUOTE
He takes your failure and employs it as a tool of grace.
Paul David Tripp
Until next time I’m thankful for the Scars, may God Bless You!
Like most things in my life, I had a plan for this blog. I had a plan in my mind about how it was going to go, how I was going to write it, what I was going to share, what I wasn’t going to share, etc. Already, MY plans are being changed. Since my first entry, I have found myself unexpectedly unsure of what to write next and found my plan to be quite fuzzy. Until this morning.
It’s isn’t any normal Sunday. It is Pig Roast Sunday (Oct 6th), a highly anticipated annual Church occasion which includes a surplus of food, music, friends and fun. As I was returning from the grocery store with cinnamon rolls, donuts and milk for a house full of teenagers who had stayed the night after attending the Saturday night “Pre-pig” event (complete with chili, awards for the day’s golf outing, and fireworks), I was overwhelmed by the awareness of brokenness (my brokenness) and how the Lord often uses that for our good. He certainly has for me.
June 2017
June of 2017 was the lowest I’ve ever been. I felt completely alone and was drinking as much as ever. I didn’t think I could stop and, if I’m being honest, didn’t want to. I was without question broken and had no idea what to do. I don’t remember why I started “journaling” but my first entry appears to have been June 26th 2017 – why on earth did I start journaling out of the blue? I have no idea but looking back now I believe that was the Lord beginning to restore me. This was the beginning of me coming to the realization that I had a problem. Those late June and early July entries remind me of how broken I was, where I was without the Lord and how He rescued me.
At this time, I don’t believe anyone knew exactly what was going on in my life. There were obviously issues. My parents and sister knew something was wrong but at this point I wasn’t willing or able to share with them what that was. July 4th 2017 was the day I first confessed to anyone that I had drinking problem and admitted to my parents that I couldn’t stop. They were non-judgmental, loving and kind. They asked what they could to do help. Up until then I had refused to go to any AA meetings. I had poked around on the SMART (Self-Management and Recovery Training) website and attended a SMART online meeting, but had made no progress towards recovery. My Mom knew a Christian Counseling group and they offered to make an appointment for me. I reluctantly agreed and they scheduled my first appointment for July 12th 2017. A journal entry from July 12th:
Wednesday July 12th
Tough day, XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I'm going to my first Alcohol counseling session. Felt sick to my stomach all afternoon, nervous about going to counseling. XXXXXX was easy to talk too, nonjudgmental and seemed to understand me somewhat. Agreed to a gradual decrease in drinking and XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Thought I should share with her my realization about trust. Drank beer when I got home. Read devotionals and Bible.
As you can see from my journal entry, my counselor suggested a gradual decrease in my drinking which I thought was much more doable then stopping cold turkey. She likened it to training for a marathon and gradually working your way up to being able to complete the 26 mile race. That made sense to me, wasn’t sure it would work but it seemed like it might be doable.
Another journal entry that might be helpful to anyone beating themselves up over their past or current struggles:
Thursday July 20th
XXXXXX sent me the following devotional last night: Stop beating yourself up
“We all stumble in many ways.” Jas 3:2 NIV
When you sin, God’s Spirit will convict you of your need to repent and change your ways. But until you get your glorified body in heaven, you’re always going to deal with sin. The apostle James wrote, “We all stumble in many ways.” But falling down isn’t what makes you a failure—it’s staying down! Get back up, dust yourself off, receive God’s grace, learn from the experience, and move on. The Bible says, “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Ro 8:1 NIV). God is not condemning you, so stop condemning yourself. A few decades ago, people used to wear a little badge with the letters GNFWMY. It meant, “God’s not finished with me yet.” And He’s not finished with you either. Sometimes we’re guilty of doing the wrong thing with the right motive. For example, in 1957 Ford Motors described the new Edsel as “the car of the decade.” Try telling that to all those drivers whose doors wouldn’t close, whose horns stuck, and whose transmissions failed! And remember the Leaning Tower of Pisa in Italy, where the architect designed a 10-foot-deep foundation for a 179-foot-tall building? How’d you like to have that on your résumé? The fact is, the most talented people often make the biggest mistakes. Solomon wrote, “There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins” (Ecc 7:20 NIV). And Paul added, “I am not perfect. But Christ has taken hold of me. So I keep on running and struggling to take hold of the prize” (Php 3:12 CEV). So stop beating yourself up.
Later today (Oct 6th), as I sat with my friends and family listening to my dad perform Crowder’s Come As You Are with “The Band” (that’s what our Church band call themselves), I was taken back to my earlier thought of brokenness and amazed by how perfectly the lyrics fit with what I’ve felt led to write about in this blog post. Full lyrics below, but here is what struck me today as I was listening:
There’s hope for the hopeless And all who have strayed Come sit at the table Come taste the grace There’s rest for the weary Rest that endures Earth has no sorrow That heaven can’t cure ....... So lay down your burdens Lay down your shame All who are broken Lift up your face Oh wanderer come home You’re not too far So lay down your hurt Lay down your heart Come as you are
The following is from a great book I’m reading by David Platt called “Something Needs to Change: A call to Make Your Life Count in a World of Urgent Need”. David is visiting a recovery center for young girls who have been rescued from sex trafficking and he shares the following:
On a table in the room, I see cracked glass teacups. The woman who leads the home, Liv, tells us how these cups were an art project. In a recent class, the group talked about seeing beauty in the middle of brokenness. Each girl was given a glass teacup and asked to break it by throwing it on the floor. The girls were hesitant at first, but one by one they threw their cups and watched them shatter into pieces. Then each girl was asked to glue her cup back together, piece by piece.
Next they placed a small candle inside each cup and lit it. The cracks in those broken cups actually allowed the light of the candles to shine brighter. That led to a discussion of how in our lives we might feel broken because of what we've done or what's been done to us. But if we let him, God puts us back together and the light of his love shines brightly for others to see, even through our hurts.
WHAT DO YOU NEED FREEDOM FROM?
There was certainly freedom in my initial confessions to my parents, sister and close friends (more to come on this later). I somewhat expected it based on the things I had read and conversations with my counselor. What I didn’t expect was the greater freedom I felt almost immediately after I posted my first blog on 09/27. I did not realize the burden that was still hanging over me, the guilt and the fear of others finding out what I had done.
I’m so very thankful for this freedom I’ve experienced.
A friend led me to this from a study we recently completed at Church. This is from “Traveling Light” by Eugene Peterson. This is my prayer for any who are trapped and need to experience the freedom our Lord can provide.
If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free …. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:31-32, 36 NIV
We join our prayers today in intercession for men and women in our society who are trapped:
Those who are trapped in poverty with no sign of relief; Those who are trapped in jobs that engage but a fraction of their powers; Those who are trapped in families where love has ebbed away; Those who are trapped in unwanted alliances out of which they cannot break; Those who are trapped by the fear of discovery, or by dependency on others; or by the need for drugs, or by an addiction to alcohol. O Thou whose will it is that we be free, and who didst give Thy Son that we might be delivered from all coercive powers; Make us examples of Thy freedom, proclaimers of Thy freedom, and instruments of Thy freedom: Snap our chains that we may loose the chains of others. Then shall the joy of the liberated rise from the earth like a mighty hymn of praise, Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen
Ernest T. Campbell
OTHER BLOG STUFF – Songs and Quotes…
I recently posted a page on my website with several books I’ve read over the past 2 years related to addiction. I recommend all of these books as they have helped me in my recovery. Please check it out and share with others.
I would love to hear what books have helped you in your recovery. Please share in the comments at the bottom of the page:
Come out of sadness From wherever you’ve been Come broken hearted Let rescue begin Come find your mercy Oh sinner come kneel Earth has no sorrow That heaven can’t heal Earth has no sorrow That heaven can’t heal
So lay down your burdens Lay down your shame All who are broken Lift up your face Oh wanderer come home You’re not too far So lay down your hurt Lay down your heart Come as you are
There’s hope for the hopeless And all those who’ve strayed Come sit at the table Come taste the grace There’s rest for the weary Rest that endures Earth has no sorrow That heaven can’t cure
So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home
You’re not too far
Lay down your hurt lay down your heart
Come as you are
Come as you are
Fall in his arms
Come as you are
There’s joy for the morning
Oh sinner be still
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal
So lay down your burdens Lay down your shame All who are broken Lift up your face Oh wanderer come home You’re not too far So lay down your hurt Lay down your heart Come as you are Come as you are Come as you are Come as you are
QUOTE
“This world doesn’t need more good men. It needs more broken men whom the gospel has set free.”
Kris Dolberry
Until next time, I’m thankful for the scars, may God Bless You!
