BROKEN

Like most things in my life, I had a plan for this blog. I had a plan in my mind about how it was going to go, how I was going to write it, what I was going to share, what I wasn’t going to share, etc. Already, MY plans are being changed. Since my first entry, I have found myself unexpectedly unsure of what to write next and found my plan to be quite fuzzy. Until this morning.

It’s isn’t any normal Sunday. It is Pig Roast Sunday (Oct 6th), a highly anticipated annual Church occasion which includes a surplus of food, music, friends and fun. As I was returning from the grocery store with cinnamon rolls, donuts and milk for a house full of teenagers who had stayed the night after attending the Saturday night “Pre-pig” event (complete with chili, awards for the day’s golf outing, and fireworks), I was overwhelmed by the awareness of brokenness (my brokenness) and how the Lord often uses that for our good. He certainly has for me.

June 2017

June of 2017 was the lowest I’ve ever been. I felt completely alone and was drinking as much as ever. I didn’t think I could stop and, if I’m being honest, didn’t want to. I was without question broken and had no idea what to do. I don’t remember why I started “journaling” but my first entry appears to have been June 26th 2017 – why on earth did I start journaling out of the blue? I have no idea but looking back now I believe that was the Lord beginning to restore me. This was the beginning of me coming to the realization that I had a problem. Those late June and early July entries remind me of how broken I was, where I was without the Lord and how He rescued me.

At this time, I don’t believe anyone knew exactly what was going on in my life. There were obviously issues. My parents and sister knew something was wrong but at this point I wasn’t willing or able to share with them what that was. July 4th 2017 was the day I first confessed to anyone that I had drinking problem and admitted to my parents that I couldn’t stop. They were non-judgmental, loving and kind. They asked what they could to do help. Up until then I had refused to go to any AA meetings. I had poked around on the SMART (Self-Management and Recovery Training) website and attended a SMART online meeting, but had made no progress towards recovery. My Mom knew a Christian Counseling group and they offered to make an appointment for me. I reluctantly agreed and they scheduled my first appointment for July 12th 2017. A journal entry from July 12th:

Wednesday July 12th 

Tough day, XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I'm going to my first Alcohol counseling session.  Felt sick to my stomach all afternoon, nervous about going to counseling.  XXXXXX was easy to talk too, nonjudgmental and seemed to understand me somewhat.  Agreed to a gradual decrease in drinking and XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  Thought I should share with her my realization about trust.  Drank beer when I got home.  Read devotionals and Bible.  

As you can see from my journal entry, my counselor suggested a gradual decrease in my drinking which I thought was much more doable then stopping cold turkey. She likened it to training for a marathon and gradually working your way up to being able to complete the 26 mile race. That made sense to me, wasn’t sure it would work but it seemed like it might be doable.

Another journal entry that might be helpful to anyone beating themselves up over their past or current struggles:

Thursday July 20th

XXXXXX sent me the following devotional last night: Stop beating yourself up

“We all stumble in many ways.” Jas 3:2 NIV

When you sin, God’s Spirit will convict you of your need to repent and change your ways. But until you get your glorified body in heaven, you’re always going to deal with sin. The apostle James wrote, “We all stumble in many ways.” But falling down isn’t what makes you a failure—it’s staying down! Get back up, dust yourself off, receive God’s grace, learn from the experience, and move on. The Bible says, “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Ro 8:1 NIV). God is not condemning you, so stop condemning yourself. A few decades ago, people used to wear a little badge with the letters GNFWMY. It meant, “God’s not finished with me yet.” And He’s not finished with you either. Sometimes we’re guilty of doing the wrong thing with the right motive. For example, in 1957 Ford Motors described the new Edsel as “the car of the decade.” Try telling that to all those drivers whose doors wouldn’t close, whose horns stuck, and whose transmissions failed! And remember the Leaning Tower of Pisa in Italy, where the architect designed a 10-foot-deep foundation for a 179-foot-tall building? How’d you like to have that on your résumé? The fact is, the most talented people often make the biggest mistakes. Solomon wrote, “There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins” (Ecc 7:20 NIV). And Paul added, “I am not perfect. But Christ has taken hold of me. So I keep on running and struggling to take hold of the prize” (Php 3:12 CEV). So stop beating yourself up.

Later today (Oct 6th), as I sat with my friends and family listening to my dad perform Crowder’s Come As You Are with “The Band” (that’s what our Church band call themselves), I was taken back to my earlier thought of brokenness and amazed by how perfectly the lyrics fit with what I’ve felt led to write about in this blog post. Full lyrics below, but here is what struck me today as I was listening:

There’s hope for the hopeless
 And all who have strayed
 Come sit at the table
 Come taste the grace
 There’s rest for the weary
 Rest that endures
 Earth has no sorrow
 That heaven can’t cure
.......
 So lay down your burdens 
 Lay down your shame
 All who are broken
 Lift up your face
 Oh wanderer come home
 You’re not too far
 So lay down your hurt
 Lay down your heart
 Come as you are

The following is from a great book I’m reading by David Platt called “Something Needs to Change: A call to Make Your Life Count in a World of Urgent Need”. David is visiting a recovery center for young girls who have been rescued from sex trafficking and he shares the following:

             On a table in the room, I see cracked glass teacups.  The woman who leads the home, Liv, tells us how these cups were an art project. In a recent class, the group talked about seeing beauty in the middle of brokenness.  Each girl was given a glass teacup and asked to break it by throwing it on the floor. The girls were hesitant at first, but one by one they threw their cups and watched them shatter into pieces. Then each girl was asked to glue her cup back together, piece by piece.      
             Next they placed a small candle inside each cup and lit it. The cracks in those broken cups actually allowed the light of the candles to shine brighter. That led to a discussion of how in our lives we might feel broken because of what we've done or what's been done to us. But if we let him, God puts us back together and the light of his love shines brightly for others to see, even through our hurts.  

WHAT DO YOU NEED FREEDOM FROM?

There was certainly freedom in my initial confessions to my parents, sister and close friends (more to come on this later). I somewhat expected it based on the things I had read and conversations with my counselor. What I didn’t expect was the greater freedom I felt almost immediately after I posted my first blog on 09/27. I did not realize the burden that was still hanging over me, the guilt and the fear of others finding out what I had done.

I’m so very thankful for this freedom I’ve experienced.

A friend led me to this from a study we recently completed at Church. This is from “Traveling Light” by Eugene Peterson. This is my prayer for any who are trapped and need to experience the freedom our Lord can provide.

If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples.  Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free …. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:31-32, 36 NIV  

We join our prayers today in intercession for men and women in our society who are trapped:

 Those who are trapped in poverty with no sign of relief;
Those who are trapped in jobs that engage but a fraction of their powers;
Those who are trapped in families where love has ebbed away;
Those who are trapped in unwanted alliances out of which they cannot break;
Those who are trapped by the fear of discovery, or by dependency on others; or by the need for drugs, or by an addiction to alcohol.
O Thou whose will it is that we be free, and who didst give Thy Son that we might be delivered from all coercive powers;

Make us examples of Thy freedom, proclaimers of Thy freedom, and instruments of Thy freedom:

Snap our chains that we may loose the chains of others.

Then shall the joy of the liberated rise from the earth like a mighty hymn of praise, Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen

Ernest T. Campbell

OTHER BLOG STUFF – Songs and Quotes…

I recently posted a page on my website with several books I’ve read over the past 2 years related to addiction. I recommend all of these books as they have helped me in my recovery. Please check it out and share with others.

I would love to hear what books have helped you in your recovery. Please share in the comments at the bottom of the page:

https://thankfulforthescars.com/books-on-addiction/

SONG

COME as YOU ARE by Crowder

Come out of sadness
From wherever you’ve been
Come broken hearted
Let rescue begin
Come find your mercy
Oh sinner come kneel
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal

So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home
You’re not too far
So lay down your hurt
Lay down your heart
Come as you are

There’s hope for the hopeless
And all those who’ve strayed
Come sit at the table
Come taste the grace
There’s rest for the weary
Rest that endures
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t cure

So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home
You’re not too far
Lay down your hurt lay down your heart
Come as you are
Come as you are
Fall in his arms
Come as you are
There’s joy for the morning
Oh sinner be still
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal

So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home
You’re not too far
So lay down your hurt
Lay down your heart
Come as you are
Come as you are
Come as you are
Come as you are

QUOTE

“This world doesn’t need more good men. It needs more broken men whom the gospel has set free.”

Kris Dolberry

Until next time, I’m thankful for the scars, may God Bless You!

KB