The Value of our Time
As I celebrate 4 years of sobriety on September 27th, my 51st birthday, I find myself facing the lingering consequences of my addiction to alcohol.
I want to forget my addiction and its problems, want to completely move on from it. I wish I could act like it never happened. But as life moves on, I am faced with the bitter reality of lost time. I can’t help but compare how I spend my time today with how it was spent when I was controlled by my addiction.
With my marriage in June of 2020, came three wonderful little boys. Being able to play a part in their lives is a blessing which I am truly thankful for. But as I spend time with them, I’m constantly reminded of what I was (or wasn’t) doing with my own precious kids (son 21 years old and daughter 18 years old) at various times in their childhood. The difference between sober, present parenting and my former parenting is obvious to me and it fills me with regret.
This August both of my kids moved away to college. The physical move had been delayed for my oldest because of COVID, causing this transition to coincide with my second’s freshman year 9 hours from home. I know this can be a difficult time for any parent but it’s proven to be extra trying for me. I value time with my children so much differently now than I did during my addicted years. Spending a couple of hours eating wings with my son and watching football on a Sunday afternoon when he’s home from college is a great blessing. My 6:00 pm weekly Sunday evening calls with my daughter is time I cherish. While missing my kids and wanting to spend time with them, I’m haunted by thoughts of times when addiction dominated my decisions and robbed me of invaluable moments with my kids. We had many great times during their childhood but it is undeniable that many were lost. For those moments I’ve been beating myself up, unable to completely forgive myself. But I know that there is a place and a person in whom I can find freedom from my regret.
Early on in my recovery, my addiction counselor sent me the following devotional:
When you sin, God’s Spirit will convict you of your need to repent and change your ways. But until you get your glorified body in heaven, you’re always going to deal with sin. The apostle James wrote, “We all stumble in many ways.” But falling down isn’t what makes you a failure—it’s staying down! Get back up, dust yourself off, receive God’s grace, learn from the experience, and move on. The Bible says, “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Ro 8:1 NIV). God is not condemning you, so stop condemning yourself. A few decades ago, people used to wear a little badge with the letters GNFWMY. It meant, “God’s not finished with me yet.” And He’s not finished with you either…Solomon wrote, “There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins” (Ecc 7:20 NIV). And Paul added, “I am not perfect. But Christ has taken hold of me. So I keep on running and struggling to take hold of the prize” (Php 3:12 CEV). So stop beating yourself up.
If God is not condemning me then what right do I have to continue to beat myself up over past sins? God wasn’t finished with me when I was addicted, and he’s not finished with me (or you) yet.
I share this very personal struggle in the hope that it might help someone else. Please know that addiction + parenting doesn’t work, addiction + anything doesn’t work. Addiction simply takes too much time. Addiction blurs everything, especially selfishness. Addiction causes us to care more about what we think we need than the needs of those closest to us. Our children need and deserve our time. If you are a parent struggling with addiction, my prayer is that the time you and your children are losing together will be revealed to you– you can’t get it back! It’s possible today to make the decision to break free, everything is possible with the Lord. I praise him for making these 4+ years without alcohol possible and He is able to do that for you, too!
OTHER BLOG STUFF – Songs and Quotes…
You Love Me Anyway
Song by Sidewalk Prophets
The question was raised
As my conscience fell
A silly little lie
It didn’t mean much
But it lingers still
In the corners of my mind
Still you call me to walk
On the edge of this world
To spread my dreams and fly
But the future’s so far
My heart is so frail
I think I’d rather stay inside
But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life
That I’ve ever known
Yes You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
How you love me
It took more than my strength
To simply be still
To seek but never find
The reasons we change
The reasons I doubt
And Why do loved ones have to die?
But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life
That I’ve ever known
Yes You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
I am the thorn in your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway
See now I am the man who yelled out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then I turned away with a smile on my face
With this sin in my heart, tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night I still call out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life
But You love me anyway
Oh God, how You love me
Yes You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life
That I’ve ever known
Yes You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
You love me
You love me
You love me
You love me
How You love me
How You love me
How You love me
QUOTE
“The purpose of the darkness is not to punish or to afflict us. It is to set us free. It is a divine appointment, a privileged opportunity to draw close to the divine center.”
Richard foster
Until next time I’m thankful for the Scars, may God Bless You!
KB
‘One day at a time’ as we say in a different (but not better) fellowship.
Keep doing what works for you and be happy
Thank you Roland! Hope all is well with you.