I'm Thankful for the Scars

PSALM 119:71 (NIV) "It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees"

Tag: christian recovery addiction

Where is Light in a dark world?

August 17, 2024 /

In this dark world of pain and suffering I sometimes struggle to see any good, to see any light.  It’s so easy for me to get caught up in myself, what I perceive to be my greatest needs. That in turn causes me to live with doubt, live in fear, live without the hope that Jesus gives us. 

I recently heard Shane and Shane on XM radio sing “In the Light” https://youtu.be/Xbn-VlmArbU?si=QwHBEjsOUhnzz_ok, a song I believe was originally done by DC Talk  https://youtu.be/0JxEwfbidFk?si=zfCJBc5-wBr0qf2B in the 90’s.  It speaks to me, it helps me to see my struggle more clearly and helps me regain the focus on Jesus that is needed to find peace and joy in the light.

Lyrics below with my comments in italics:

In the Light

I keep trying to find a life
On my own apart from You

Why do I do this? Why can’t I give everything to the Lord?

I am the king of excuses
I’ve got one for every selfish thing I do

The selfishness of pride still rages inside of me.  I’m needy and I do make excuses for myself.           

What’s going on inside of me
I despise my own behavior

Why?  Why?  Why?  I often have such sinful thoughts and desires and I can’t explain them.  I can’t rid myself of them.

This only serves to confirm my suspicion
That I’m still a man in need of a savior

I see my need for Jesus, I see my need for a Savior.  I don’t know where I’d be or where I’d go without Him

I wanna be in the light as You are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens

There is peace in the light, when I’m with Jesus there is such great peace, hope and joy.  Why would I want to be anywhere else?  I want to shine and show the love of Jesus to everyone.

Oh Lord be my Light and be my salvation
All I want is to be in the light
Oh all I want is to be in the light

Remind me Jesus, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute who my salvation is.  Help me to stay in You and in the Light

The disease of self runs through my blood
It’s a cancer fatal to my soul

I know the answer but yet I still am selfish, I still am prideful, I still hurt those I love.  The sin inside me is lethal and I am helpless against it in my own strength.

Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring this sickness under control

I fail time and time again to stop this behavior, to stop sinful thoughts.  In my own strength I continue to fail.

What’s going on inside of me
I despise my own behavior

How did I get here again?  Why do I hurt those I love?  Why do I make it all about me?


This only serves to confirm my suspicion
That I’m still a man in need of a savior

I need Jesus more than ever, He is the answer.  He is the only answer and the answer to everything.  Without Jesus I’m lost, I’m addicted, I’m hopeless.

I wanna be in the light as You are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens

Jesus protects me, Jesus calls me to walk with him in the light.

Oh Lord be my Light and be my salvation
All I want is to be in the light
Oh all I want is to be in the light

I call on Jesus and he is always near and quick to answer.  He pulls me back into the light when I seek Him.  I want to be in the light!

Honesty becomes me
There’s nothing left to lose
The secrets that did run me
In Your presence are defused
Pride has no position
And riches have no worth
The fame that once did cover me
Has been sentenced to Earth
Has been sentenced to Earth

I’m a stranger in this world, my home is in heaven.  I need Jesus, I need the truth of the gospel.  Nothing, nothing in the world satisfies me like Jesus and I long to be with Him in eternity.

What’s going on inside of me
I despise my own behavior

Each day I have a choice to make. Do I listen to the lies I hear from the enemy?  Do I focus on the darkness in the world? Why does this choice have to be made?  Why does the struggle continue?

This only serves to confirm my suspicion
That I’m still a man in need of a savior

I can’t do it alone, I need a Savior – I need Jesus!

I wanna be in the light as You are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh Lord be my Light and be my salvation
All I want is to be in the light
Oh all I want is to be in the light
All I want is to be in the light

Jesus is the light of the world!

Again Jesus spoke to them, saying “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

John 8:12 (ESV)

May we all walk in the light of Jesus. God bless You!

HOPE, Suffering, Perseverance, Character and back to HOPE

July 27, 2023 /

Circle of HOPE

I recently accompanied the youth group that I’m involved in on their mission trip to a group work camp.  The theme of the week was FORGED.  Like the metalworking process, God forges us, shapes us, and transforms us through life’s journey.  Most of us spend the majority of our lives in comfortable seasons of hope.  But we all go through suffering.  All of us.  We aren’t expecting it when it happens, but it is guaranteed to be a part of life.  We learned that suffering is part of the Circle of Hope.  God gives us the gift of hope.  Whenever we face difficult times yet persevere, we will learn & grow stronger.  God promises that.

My Grandfather passed away early the day after we returned from the Mission Trip.  I’m reminded of the impact my grandparents have had on my life.  When I was a young boy, around 11 or 12 my grandparents asked me if I wanted to be saved.  I said that I did and we went into their bedroom to read scripture and they helped me pray and invite Jesus into my heart. 

The day Jesus saved me was one of the most hopeful times of my life.  I felt prepared to do or face anything.  What I didn’t realize at the time was that this circle that we learned about is real and I was not prepared for it. 

The way the week’s programs and devotions were written forced us to reflect on our journeys. 

  • Sunday – HOPE
  • Monday – Suffering, it’s a part of the journey
  • Tuesday – Suffering produces perseverance
  • Wednesday – Perseverance produces character
  • Thursday – Character produces HOPE
  • Friday – Forge ahead

As I thought about my time between being saved as a young boy up until 5 or 6 years ago I saw how much of my journey was spent wandering, attempting to find my way, making a lot of bad decisions, heading down the wrong path.

It seems there are different types of suffering, the kind that happens to us (losing a loved one, getting sick, etc.) and the kind that is the result of our sin and decisions we have made.

The circle I was reflecting on included much suffering as a result of my sin of addiction.  As I’ve written previously, this has been very painful.  My sin resulted in suffering for not only myself but caused suffering for my family and for my children.  It caused suffering that we all feel today and suffering that I’m sure to feel for the rest of my life.  Unfortunately, I can’t change that.

Here’s what Tish Harrison writes about suffering in her book Prayer in the Night: For those Who Work or Watch or Weep:

Suffering strips away the self.  This sounds terribly painful, and it is.  But the meaning and object of suffering isn’t pain; it is to learn to give and receive love.  God isn’t a sadist who delights in using agony to teach us a lesson.  But in the alchemy of redemption, God can take what is only sorrow and transform it into the very path by which we learn to love God and let ourselves be loved.  This is the strange (and usually unwanted) way of abundant life – the dying necessary to bring resurrection.  Scott Cairns writes, “The hard way is pretty much the only way that most of us manage to learn anything.  Affliction, suffering, and pain are – even if they are nothing else – remarkably effective.”

If I’m being completely honest, as Cairns wrote, the only way I was going to learn was the hard way.  The reality that I was possibly going to lose everything I loved is what it took to get my attention.  That’s embarrassing to admit, shameful – but it’s true.

But the beauty of the gospel and God’s love for us is that God uses all suffering to produce something in us if we let him.  Jesus is Hope and that is something I’ve been extremely blessed to have experienced. 

On the way home from the Mission Trip I heard Austin French’s song Jesus Can.  Wow!  What a great description of what I’ve experienced in recovery:        

Everybody’s got that hurt they wished that never happened.  Everybody’s got that pain they wish they could undo.  But wounds become scars & scars become stories – and when it comes to the story of you – who turns a broken dream into a life redeemed?  Who can turn your worst defeat into your victory?  Who saw me where was and led me where I stand?  My life is living proof that only Jesus can.

Jesus took my worst defeat, redeemed me and now I have victory and hope in Jesus.  He can do the same for you!  My Hope on the Mission Trip and anytime I’m given the opportunity to share my story is that it will help others to see the Hope we always have in Jesus.

Crew 17 and 18

To the crews I spent the week with on this Mission Trip.  As this was my first mission trip I wasn’t sure what to expect.  I am so thankful for each and every one of you, it was truly a blessing to spend the week with each of you.  The love you showed to me as I shared was amazing.  I miss working with you and especially miss our devotional and prayer time together.  May we always remember what we learned about Hope during our time together and I pray for God’s blessings over you and your families.

OTHER BLOG STUFF – Songs and Quotes…

HOLD ON

Song by Katy Nichole

Smoke clouds
All around
Couldn’t see Your face
Darkness consumed me
Stuck in the bitterness

But I know there’s a light
That’s waiting up ahead
So I’ll stay in the fight
And look to the One who said

Hold on just a little bit longer
I know it’s gonna be okay
These days are gonna make you stronger
You’ll find purpose in the pain
Hold on just a little bit longer
Deep down there’s a well of faith
Let hope arise as you’re lifting up My name
And just hold on
Just hold on, hold on

Your promise
It still stands
It’s chasing after me
The rainbow
Through storm clouds
Is how I’m gonna see

That there is a light
That’s waiting up ahead
So I’ll stay in the fight
And look to the One who said

Hold on just a little bit longer
I know it’s gonna be okay
These days are gonna make you stronger
You’ll find purpose in the pain
Hold on just a little bit longer
Deep down there’s a well of faith
Let hope arise as you’re lifting up My name
And just hold on
Hold on, hold on

Just wait ’til you see what’s at the end of the road
A new life is ready to unfold

Hold on just a little bit longer
I know it’s gonna be okay
These days are gonna make you stronger
You’ll find purpose in the pain
Hold on just a little bit longer
Deep down there’s a well of faith
Let hope arise as you’re lifting up My name
And just hold on
Hold on, hold on
Just hold on
Just hold on

We ought to give thanks for all fortune; if it is good, because it is good, if bad, because it works in us patience, humility and the contempt of this world and the hope of our eternal country.

C.S. LEWIS

RUNNING FOR the PRIZE

November 15, 2019 /

Part of my journal entry from September 2nd 2017:

Saturday September 2nd
My Stand Firm Devotional from today was based on 1 Corinthians 9:24-27  

Found this in the Matthew Henry Commentary:

And here he excites them to their duty “So run that you may obtain. It is quite otherwise in the Christian race than in your races; only one wins the prize in them. You may all run so as to obtain. You have great encouragement, therefore, to persist constantly, and diligently, and vigorously, in your course. There is room for all to get the prize. You cannot fail if you run well. Yet there should be a noble emulation; you should endeavor to outdo one another. And it is a glorious contest who shall get first to heaven, or have the best rewards in that blessed world. I make it my endeavor to run; so do you, as you see me go before you.” 

What does this mean to me?  Everything I've done, everything I'm doing is to get to the ultimate prize -- going to heaven.  It's not about beating addiction, XXXXXXXXXX, improving XXXXXXXXXXXXXX it's about moving towards the prize.

This should be my focus, whatever results from "running" this race will be God's will and good for me.

Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 led me on 09/02/17 to see that everything I was doing, everything I was going through can be leading me to the ultimate prize that is eternal life in Heaven. Matthew 24:23 supports this by telling us, “As we progressively become more like Jesus, our training is moving us toward the prize, and one day we will hear those words of affirmation from our Master: “Well done, good and faithful servant!”. This is a great truth that applies to my life today the same as it did then.

I recently mentioned as part of a conversation I was having that quitting drinking was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But the reality is I didn’t do it alone, God supplied the grace I needed that helped change my heart. God put people in my life that I needed for support and God gave me the strength and discipline to quit drinking. One of my daily prayers is to not let pride get in the way of my sobriety and to rely on Him to remain sober. I need that grace each and every day and I’m thankful that it is supplied as needed. My desire today is the same as it was back in Sept. of 2017, to run my race for the Lord and each day get closer to that eternal prize. For me to run the race like Paul did and as God intends for me to I need to continue to push my pride aside and let God’s grace in.

MY REALITY vs. GOD’S REALITY

The day after writing what you just read above, one of our pastors actually spoke a bit about “reality”. The following is part of what was shared based on Isaiah 49:16 from Professor G.A. Smith:

“Reality is not what we see: reality is what God sees………… A man’s reality is not what he is in his own feelings, or what he is to the world’s eyes; but what he is to God’s love, to God’s yearning, and in God’s plan.”

My reality was that I was powerless to conquer alcohol. God saw something different, a different reality for my life. God knew a truer, more powerful reality and gave me everything I needed to conquer my addiction. His reality conquers as one of my favorite verses says:

"No, in all these things we are more than conquers through him who loved us." (Romans 8:37)

His reality always wins – Praise God!

ANOTHER THOUGHT ON REALITY

One more thought about reality that I had during the sermons this past Sunday. I was reminded of something Matt Chandler shared in a Bible study I recently listened to. Chandler was speaking about how we can’t earn salvation. Sometimes our reality is to think we have to do certain things to earn God’s favor, His blessings or salvation. This is not God’s reality. Chandler used the thief on the cross as an example of this. The thief was going to die any minute on the cross next to Jesus and here is what he said and how Jesus responds in Luke 23:42-43:

42 Then he said, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom."  43 Jesus answered him, "Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise."

The reality is that there is nothing the thief could do in that moment to earn salvation yet he was told he would be with Jesus in paradise that day. There is nothing we can do to earn salvation. What is required is faith, belief and acceptance of the gift.

OTHER BLOG STUFF – Songs and Quotes…

COUNTING EVERY BLESSING by Rend Collective

Ooh, ooh

I was blind, now I’m seeing in color
I was dead, now I’m living forever
I had failed, but you were my redeemer
I’ve been blessed beyond all measure

I was lost, now I’m found by the father
I’ve been changed from a ruin to treasure
I’ve been given a hope and a future
I’ve been blessed beyond all measure

I am counting every blessing, counting every blessing
Letting go and trusting when I cannot see
I am counting every blessing, counting every blessing
Surely every season you are good to me

Oh, you are good to me
Oh, you are good to me

You were there in the valley of shadows
You were there in the depth of my sorrows
You’re my strength, my hope for tomorrow
I’ve been blessed beyond all measure

I am counting every blessing, counting every blessing
Letting go and trusting when I cannot see
I am counting every blessing, counting every blessing
Surely every season you are good to me

Oh, you are good to me
Oh, you are good to me

Surely your goodness pursues me
Surely your heart is still for me
I will remember your mercies all my days
Through every storm and gale

I am counting every blessing, counting every blessing
Letting go and trusting when I cannot see
I am counting every blessing, counting every blessing
Surely every season you are good to me
I am counting every blessing, counting every blessing
Letting go and trusting when I cannot see
I am counting every blessing, I’m counting every blessing
Surely every season you are good to me

Oh, you are good to me
Oh, you are good to me
Oh, you are good to me
Oh, you are good to me

For your goodness, I will ever praise you
Oh, you are good to me
Oh, you are good to me
Sing it out now
Oh, you are good to me
In my hurting
Oh, you are good to me
I’ll sing it loud
Oh, you are good to me
Even in the dark
Oh, you are good to me
Lift your voices
Oh, you are good to me
All the time
Oh, you are good to me

QUOTE

“Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done.”

Kyle IDLEMAN

Until next time I’m thankful for the Scars, may God Bless You!

KB

WHY SHARE MY STORY?

October 30, 2019 /

I’d like to write a bit about why I’ve felt led to share my story.  Very early on in my counseling I had a strong desire to help others (if I could) who were struggling with addiction.  So it’s something I’ve prayed about a lot.  Over the past several months I’ve had a lot of ideas on different things I might do but never took any action.  I had hoped that if I prayed enough, God would give me a clear sign of what He’d have me do.  While I certainly believe this is possible (there are countless examples in scripture) I don’t think it’s the norm.  I think sometimes God wants us simply to take action in faith.  That’s what I’ve attempted to do by starting this blog, acted in my belief that God can use my experience in some way to help others. 

The Purpose Drive Life book by Rick Warren speaks to this.  In Warren’s MEDITATIONS on the PURPOSE-DRIVEN LIFE, which I include in my morning devotionals from time to time, he talks about how God uses experiences to shape us for service:

EXPERIENCES are one of the most important things God uses to shape you for service.  There are five kinds of experience God uses:

  • Family experiences–interactions with parents, children, spouses, and anyone you call family.

  • Vocational experiences–everything you learn on the job, from skills to getting along with others.

  • Educational experiences–times of learning throughout your life, from elementary school to continuing discovery as an adult.

  • Spiritual experiences–those special moments of incredible closeness with God, when you discover something new about who he is and who you are in him.

But most important of all:

  • Painful experiences–disappointments, hurts, and sorrows cause you to lean heavily on God, and develop empathy in your heart for the hurts of others.

Painful experiences are hard to understand.  We ask God, “Why me?”

But…

  • Who can better help the parents of a handicapped child than other parents of a handicapped child?

  • Who can better help somebody going through the pain of divorce than somebody else who has gone through one?

  • Who can better help an alcoholic than somebody who has struggled with alcoholism?

Often, the very problem that you struggle most with in life, the very thing you like the least about yourself or your circumstances, the very experience that you’re most embarrassed and ashamed of, is the tool God wants to use in you to bless, encourage, and minister to others.  God uses not just our strengths.  He also uses our weaknesses.

I’ve read those two pages of that book many times. Clearly it speaks to me and my desire to help others. In my own strength I’m not sure I can do much for anyone but, with Jesus and His power who knows what can happen?

Until next time, I’m thankful for the scars, may God Bless you!

KB

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