PSALM 119:71 (NIV) "It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees"

Tag: christian

NEW FIRSTS

Two years in and there continues to be new “sober firsts”.  First going out to dinner without drinks, first weekend, first travel softball tournament, first golf outing to name a few.  This past weekend, first wedding reception where alcohol was served without partaking.  After two years of sobriety, I continue to battle fears of not being able to enjoy myself without alcohol and how others will react to the new me.  One of the strategies I’ve tried to use to help with this comes from Sober Mercies by Heather Kopp (check it out my Books on Addiction Page):

Dedicate Your Relinquishments:

What I mean by this is, turn your choice to abstain into a sacrifice you make for God.  This last tip only makes sense if you have a personal God, I admit.  But if I had to choose one idea that helped me most, it might be this.

Early in recovery, the sight of others enjoying drinking pained me – even if I pretended otherwise.

One afternoon, I found myself with Dave at a party where everyone was imbibing.  Standing there with my iced tea, I wanted a glass of wine so deeply it hurt.  Then something I’d read earlier that day by Gerald May came to mind.  He’d written about how we can imbue our suffering with meaning and purpose by dedicating our relinquishments back to God.

At the time, it sounded like mumbo jumbo.  But that afternoon, something clicked.  What if I could not drink, “unto God?”  What if I could view my choice to abstain as a sacrifice of love, instead of just suffering for nothing?

I shut my eyes and prayed a short prayer, dedicating my thirst and pain back to God.  Almost immediately, my perspective shifted.  I was no longer a deprived person at a party.  I was participating in a spiritual practice. 

I had a strange calm at the reception, a peace.  Perhaps this is evidence that my perspective is shifting.  The water was good😃, the food was good (especially the desert bar) and the fellowship was great! And what a cool place for a reception, kangaroo right outside:

AUGUST 2017 and GOD’S PROVIDENCE

I had completed a draft of this post before Church Wednesday evening October 23rd.  It changed based on my experience on the 24th…………….

For the past year and half I’ve been taking online courses at Christian Leaders Institute and I’m currently enrolled in the Theology 1 course.  Part of my lecture and reading today (10/24) was about God’s Providence.  As I researched more about God’s Providence I came across this a couple of different times referenced by John Piper at desiringgod.org:

Let me close with one example from history that I think is so beautiful. This is Question 27 of the Heidelberg Catechism. The date on that is 1563.

Question: What do you understand by the providence of God?

Answer: The almighty, everywhere present power of God, whereby, as it were, by his hand, he still upholds heaven and earth with all creatures and so governs them that herbs and grass, rain and drought, fruitful and barren years, meat and drink, health and sickness, riches and poverty, indeed, all things come not by chance, but by his fatherly hand.

That’s a good summary of God’s providence: wise and purposeful sovereignty.

In my initial draft I had this journal entry and another one from August of 2017, wanting to move forward from the last entries I shared from Jun/Jul.  I settled on sharing this entry from August 5th 2017:

Sunday August 5th
Sermon today on Gentleness, something I was certainly shown by XXXXXXXXXX this week when I went to see them.  I realized during the sermon how little of that I’ve shown XXXXXXXXXXXXXX over the past years.  Especially when I had been drinking I had a short fuse and was very quick to anger and lash out.
  
While walking after Church today and going back and forth on when/whether I should talk to XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX did a lot of thinking.  Something that occurred to me is that I’m still struggling to admit what I’ve done, I don’t want to admit to myself that at times I chose alcohol over XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.  I think not being able to admit it to myself is why it’s so hard to admit it or tell it to others.
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX caused to me to fail in many areas of my life.  However, what we heard this morning is Peter failed when he denied Jesus but Jesus was “gentle” with him and forgave him.  Jesus changed Peter=Failure to Peter=Forgiven – I need to let Jesus change me from Kurtis=Failure to Kurtis=Forgiven.

Still catching up on my devotionals, I read July 21st and the prayer is very appropriate for where I’m at.  “Pray that God will help you quickly acknowledge sin and not excuse it.  Pray for patience to wait for His timing in the decision before you”.

I’ve mentioned Paul David Tripp previously; his New Morning Mercies devotional is part of how I start my day each morning.  Here is the October 24th devotional:

God meets us where we are. This is the beautiful, hope-giving reality of grace. If God asked us to meet him where he is, we would all be damned. There is no better example of this than Jesus’s response to Peter after Peter’s denial:

Peter denies Jesus

Luke 22:54-62

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+22%3A54-62&version=NIV

Jesus reinstates Peter

John 21:15-19

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+21%3A15-19&version=NIV

If there’s someone on whom you would expect Jesus to turn his back forever, it would be Peter.  How could he deny Jesus, even after being warned?  Wasn’t that unforgivable? No!  What Peter did was not a picture of the defeat of the cross.  The opposite is true.  Peter’s denial is a shockingly concrete picture of the essentiality of the cross of Jesus Christ.  The life, death and resurrection of Jesus were necessary because we are people like Peter.  We have no power in ourselves to be faithful, wise, good, and righteous.  We cannot save ourselves.  We are people in need of rescue.  Without the rescue of grace, we are a danger to ourselves and to others, without hope and without God.

So in amazing condescending grace, God meets us where we are, just as he did with Peter.  He comes to us in our fear.  He draws near to us when we are separated.  He meets us in our doubt.  He pursues us when we wander.  When we sin, he comes to us with conviction and forgiveness.  He empowers us when we’re weak.  He restores us when we are unfaithful.  When we deny him, he does not deny us.  He comes to us at the moment of our salvation, and he comes to us again and again as we journey from the “already” to the “not yet”.  He sits down with us, assuring us again of his love, drawing out from us love for him, and sending us on our way to do the work he has chosen us to do.  He does not wait for us to come to him; he comes to us.  It is the way of grace.

So was it by chance that my journal entry, a sermon from August 2017 and the Tripp devotional all lined up this week (and my studies were on God’s Providence) as I attempted to complete this post?  Nope, as the Catechism I referenced above says “all things come…… by his fatherly hand”. 

I could dedicate blog after blog and give example after example of this in my life during my recovery and yet each time it happens I am blown away by it.  Praise God for His Providence!

God didn’t ask me to meet Him where He was, He met me where I was in 2017.  Because of His mercy, what I had done and what I was doing wasn’t unforgivable.  Jesus went to the cross for my sin, for my rescue, for my salvation.  I needed to be rescued and I was through His amazing grace.  Let us Praise Him that he doesn’t wait for us to come to Him!

OTHER BLOG STUFF – Songs and Quotes…

SURVIVOR by Zach Williams

For so long I carried the weight of my past
Cripple by burdens like stones on my back
I thought I had fallen too far from your grace

But you came and showed me the way

When I was lost soul searching
You were the ground beneath my feet
When I was blind man begging
You were the eyes so I could see
When the smoke was rising up
You were the air that I could breath
You gave me hope you gave me something to believe

Now I’m alive and born again
Rescued from the grip of sin
God your love came crashing in
And pulled me out of the fire
I’m a survivor

Now all I can see are the fields of your grace
Wherever I run your leading the way
You shook the shackles off my feet
I found redemption on my knees
You gave me hope you gave me something to believe

Now I’m alive and born again
Rescued from the grip of sin
God your love came crashing in
And pulled me out of the fire
I’m a survivor
Oh I’m a survivor

You’re my God
You’re my fighter
You make me a survivor

Now I’m alive and born again
Rescued from the grip of sin
God your love came crashing in
And pulled me out of the fire
I’m a survivor
Oh I’m a survivor
You pulled me out of the fire
I’m a survivor

QUOTE

He takes your failure and employs it as a tool of grace.

Paul David Tripp

Until next time I’m thankful for the Scars, may God Bless You!

KB

BROKENNESS and FREEDOM

BROKEN

Like most things in my life, I had a plan for this blog. I had a plan in my mind about how it was going to go, how I was going to write it, what I was going to share, what I wasn’t going to share, etc. Already, MY plans are being changed. Since my first entry, I have found myself unexpectedly unsure of what to write next and found my plan to be quite fuzzy. Until this morning.

It’s isn’t any normal Sunday. It is Pig Roast Sunday (Oct 6th), a highly anticipated annual Church occasion which includes a surplus of food, music, friends and fun. As I was returning from the grocery store with cinnamon rolls, donuts and milk for a house full of teenagers who had stayed the night after attending the Saturday night “Pre-pig” event (complete with chili, awards for the day’s golf outing, and fireworks), I was overwhelmed by the awareness of brokenness (my brokenness) and how the Lord often uses that for our good. He certainly has for me.

Image result for 2 corinthians 1:3-4 esv

June 2017

June of 2017 was the lowest I’ve ever been. I felt completely alone and was drinking as much as ever. I didn’t think I could stop and, if I’m being honest, didn’t want to. I was without question broken and had no idea what to do. I don’t remember why I started “journaling” but my first entry appears to have been June 26th 2017 – why on earth did I start journaling out of the blue? I have no idea but looking back now I believe that was the Lord beginning to restore me. This was the beginning of me coming to the realization that I had a problem. Those late June and early July entries remind me of how broken I was, where I was without the Lord and how He rescued me.

At this time, I don’t believe anyone knew exactly what was going on in my life. There were obviously issues. My parents and sister knew something was wrong but at this point I wasn’t willing or able to share with them what that was. July 4th 2017 was the day I first confessed to anyone that I had drinking problem and admitted to my parents that I couldn’t stop. They were non-judgmental, loving and kind. They asked what they could to do help. Up until then I had refused to go to any AA meetings. I had poked around on the SMART (Self-Management and Recovery Training) website and attended a SMART online meeting, but had made no progress towards recovery. My Mom knew a Christian Counseling group and they offered to make an appointment for me. I reluctantly agreed and they scheduled my first appointment for July 12th 2017. A journal entry from July 12th:

Wednesday July 12th 
Tough day, XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I'm going to my first Alcohol counseling session.  Felt sick to my stomach all afternoon, nervous about going to counseling.  XXXXXX was easy to talk too, nonjudgmental and seemed to understand me somewhat.  Agreed to a gradual decrease in drinking and XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  Thought I should share with her my realization about trust.  Drank beer when I got home.  Read devotionals and Bible.  

As you can see from my journal entry, my counselor suggested a gradual decrease in my drinking which I thought was much more doable then stopping cold turkey. She likened it to training for a marathon and gradually working your way up to being able to complete the 26 mile race. That made sense to me, wasn’t sure it would work but it seemed like it might be doable.

Another journal entry that might be helpful to anyone beating themselves up over their past or current struggles:

Thursday July 20th
XXXXXX sent me the following devotional last night: Stop beating yourself up
“We all stumble in many ways.” Jas 3:2 NIV
When you sin, God’s Spirit will convict you of your need to repent and change your ways. But until you get your glorified body in heaven, you’re always going to deal with sin. The apostle James wrote, “We all stumble in many ways.” But falling down isn’t what makes you a failure—it’s staying down! Get back up, dust yourself off, receive God’s grace, learn from the experience, and move on. The Bible says, “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Ro 8:1 NIV). God is not condemning you, so stop condemning yourself. A few decades ago, people used to wear a little badge with the letters GNFWMY. It meant, “God’s not finished with me yet.” And He’s not finished with you either. Sometimes we’re guilty of doing the wrong thing with the right motive. For example, in 1957 Ford Motors described the new Edsel as “the car of the decade.” Try telling that to all those drivers whose doors wouldn’t close, whose horns stuck, and whose transmissions failed! And remember the Leaning Tower of Pisa in Italy, where the architect designed a 10-foot-deep foundation for a 179-foot-tall building? How’d you like to have that on your résumé? The fact is, the most talented people often make the biggest mistakes. Solomon wrote, “There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins” (Ecc 7:20 NIV). And Paul added, “I am not perfect. But Christ has taken hold of me. So I keep on running and struggling to take hold of the prize” (Php 3:12 CEV). So stop beating yourself up.

Later today (Oct 6th), as I sat with my friends and family listening to my dad perform Crowder’s Come As You Are with “The Band” (that’s what our Church band call themselves), I was taken back to my earlier thought of brokenness and amazed by how perfectly the lyrics fit with what I’ve felt led to write about in this blog post. Full lyrics below, but here is what struck me today as I was listening:

There’s hope for the hopeless
And all who have strayed
Come sit at the table
Come taste the grace
There’s rest for the weary
Rest that endures
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t cure
.......
So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home
You’re not too far
So lay down your hurt
Lay down your heart
Come as you are

The following is from a great book I’m reading by David Platt called “Something Needs to Change: A call to Make Your Life Count in a World of Urgent Need”. David is visiting a recovery center for young girls who have been rescued from sex trafficking and he shares the following:

             On a table in the room, I see cracked glass teacups.  The woman who leads the home, Liv, tells us how these cups were an art project. In a recent class, the group talked about seeing beauty in the middle of brokenness.  Each girl was given a glass teacup and asked to break it by throwing it on the floor. The girls were hesitant at first, but one by one they threw their cups and watched them shatter into pieces. Then each girl was asked to glue her cup back together, piece by piece.      
             Next they placed a small candle inside each cup and lit it. The cracks in those broken cups actually allowed the light of the candles to shine brighter. That led to a discussion of how in our lives we might feel broken because of what we've done or what's been done to us. But if we let him, God puts us back together and the light of his love shines brightly for others to see, even through our hurts.  

WHAT DO YOU NEED FREEDOM FROM?

There was certainly freedom in my initial confessions to my parents, sister and close friends (more to come on this later). I somewhat expected it based on the things I had read and conversations with my counselor. What I didn’t expect was the greater freedom I felt almost immediately after I posted my first blog on 09/27. I did not realize the burden that was still hanging over me, the guilt and the fear of others finding out what I had done.

I’m so very thankful for this freedom I’ve experienced.

A friend led me to this from a study we recently completed at Church. This is from “Traveling Light” by Eugene Peterson. This is my prayer for any who are trapped and need to experience the freedom our Lord can provide.

If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples.  Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free …. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:31-32, 36 NIV  
We join our prayers today in intercession for men and women in our society who are trapped:

Those who are trapped in poverty with no sign of relief;
Those who are trapped in jobs that engage but a fraction of their powers;
Those who are trapped in families where love has ebbed away;
Those who are trapped in unwanted alliances out of which they cannot break;
Those who are trapped by the fear of discovery, or by dependency on others; or by the need for drugs, or by an addiction to alcohol.
O Thou whose will it is that we be free, and who didst give Thy Son that we might be delivered from all coercive powers;


Make us examples of Thy freedom, proclaimers of Thy freedom, and instruments of Thy freedom:


Snap our chains that we may loose the chains of others.


Then shall the joy of the liberated rise from the earth like a mighty hymn of praise, Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen
Ernest T. Campbell

OTHER BLOG STUFF – Songs and Quotes…

I recently posted a page on my website with several books I’ve read over the past 2 years related to addiction. I recommend all of these books as they have helped me in my recovery. Please check it out and share with others.

I would love to hear what books have helped you in your recovery. Please share in the comments at the bottom of the page:

https://thankfulforthescars.com/books-on-addiction/

SONG

COME as YOU ARE by Crowder

Come out of sadness
From wherever you’ve been
Come broken hearted
Let rescue begin
Come find your mercy
Oh sinner come kneel
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal

Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal

So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face

Oh wanderer come home
You’re not too far
So lay down your hurt
Lay down your heart
Come as you are

There’s hope for the hopeless
And all those who’ve strayed
Come sit at the table
Come taste the grace
There’s rest for the weary
Rest that endures
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t cure

So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home
You’re not too far
Lay down your hurt lay down your heart
Come as you are
Come as you are
Fall in his arms
Come as you are
There’s joy for the morning
Oh sinner be still
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal

So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home
You’re not too far
So lay down your hurt
Lay down your heart
Come as you are
Come as you are
Come as you are
Come as you are

QUOTE

“This world doesn’t need more good men. It needs more broken men whom the gospel has set free.”

Kris Dolberry

Until next time, I’m thankful for the scars, may God Bless You!

KB